Wednesday, January 14, 2015

what should i be?

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, as a grown up.

I used to have good ideas, but now I feel like I'm too old.  I know I mentioned before that I am typically a quitter before failer, and I'm scared that if I tried to be something, I would suck or it wouldn't be what I expected and I would hate it or, I don't know... what if I fail??

I'm not sure why I have such a deep fear of failure.  Doesn't everyone?  I mean, nobody wants to fail, of course.  But like, plenty of people chance it, plenty of people fail, plenty of people mess up and like, it doesn't shatter their world.

I make lists of things that I am interested in.  Because I figure lists with columns always seem to produce results.  Pros/cons, cool/uncool, fun/lame, meaningful/meaningless, worthy/worthless, deal breakers/deal makers...  so many lists to be made.

I hope nobody ever sees my lists.

I think I have been able to languish in uncertainty because since Brooke came along, I haven't actually had to work.  Like, financially.  Which is awesome, of course, but it also leaves a person feeling sort of... lost.

I feel really lucky that my throwing a paycheck to the mix wouldn't make or break us, but also, it makes me feel kind of trapped and boxed in and like my throwing a paycheck in doesn't mean anything at all.  Like my stupid contribution is kind of worthless.  Ah, first world problem, right?

Who complains that they don't have to work?

I'm not complaining.  I guess I always feel like I want to do something that matters.  I know taking care of my family matters/mattered, but like, they don't really need me as much anymore.  I'm kind of  like a plant.  I'm here, I need water, I like the sunshine.  But does it really matter if I say or do anything?

I also feel like since I actually haven't had a job in nine years, nobody would want me anyway.  Who would hire someone with 9 years of like, zero work?

ANYway, I think I will go plan dinner.  Because I suppose that is fairly important.  I do have to feed everyone pretty much every day.