an all inclusive list of 15 TYPES of selfies that people take

Ah, the selfie - or, the self portrait.  There seem to be no limits to when and where selfies are taken these days. Every social media site is exploding with millions of them.  In fact, as of this summer, "selfie" is an actual word in the dictionary.  Did you know that?   

Taking a picture of yourself is a way of trying to understand how people see you, who you are and what you look like.  Most people see selfies as a form of narcissism, yet everyone seems to do it.  I do it.  On those sites like Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat, selfies are totally the norm.  You see photo ops happening everywhere.  I'd like to think there's a time and place for selfies... but oh wait, no.  No, there isn't.  Apparently funerals, bathroom stalls, elevators, driving on the highway, next to a rattlesnake, falling off of a mountain - they are all considered appropriate.  I do not take selfies at funerals, while going to the bathroom or while driving.  I'm far too chicken to take a selfie next to a rattlesnake or other wild dangerous animal because, really? Just wanted to point that out.  And I'm pretty sure I have yet to take a selfie in an elevator but I did take a picture in an elevator recently, but that was only because the elevator wall had a cool thing on it.  I was not actually in that elevator picture. 

The thing is, those sites aren't about reality - they are a well thought-out fantasy, an emphasis on our lives that show off perfected versions of ourselves that we want people to remember, that we want to put out there in a space where others can browse through them with admiration and envy. That's why most of the photos are lovely and entertaining and not showing the sucky moments in between those perfect slices of life that are being put out there for all the world to see.  Because let's face it, nobody wants to see sucky moments.  
So I've put together a little list of the various types of selfies that people seem to take because lists! and also you know I'm all giving like that.  

The "candid" selfie -  The one where a friend takes a picture of you posing to look like you aren't posing.  But we all know that you are really posing.

The dressing room selfie -  Because you need that validation from all of your friends that your ass looks great in those booty shorts.

The Starbucks coffee selfie - So everyone knows you can afford the expensive coffee!

The half selfie - Because you had an unpleasant zit on that other cheek...  oh we know...

The post workout, I'm super fit, selfie -  Sweaty gym selfie so everyone know's you are fit AF.  

The I'm beautiful AND deep selfie - A perfect selfie with a meaningful quote from a quote generator, not an actual book that you actually read.

The dirty mirror selfie - I just have to show you how on fleek my eyebrows look today, but don't mind the filthy mirror that I can't get around to cleaning?

The dirty bedroom selfie - I'm hot, and also a slob...  A hot slob, if you will.

The toilet selfie - Because you looked really good that time you were on the toilet for a while? Come on, that's gross. Nobody cares.  I promise.  

The OMG I just saw a celebrity selfie - OK I would probably take a celebrity selfie if I had guts. Because if I stumbled across Mark Ruffalo and he smiled at me with that cutie little face, and stood near me and maybe even put his arm around me for the pic like nice celebrities do, I'd want/need to document the shit out of it.

The duck face selfie - The selfie in which your lips look like a duck's face.  Can't we all get over this one already??  It is super played out. 

The mocking duck face selfie - The one where you take a duck face selfie just to show everyone that you know you are making a duck face, but you don't actually mean it, you're only doing it to make fun of other duck face people. Riiiighhht...

The fake sleeping selfie - These just crack me up.  I imagine you closing your eyes and holding the camera at just the right angle so you can try to capture how you look really cute while you sleep and you also just so happen to be in your bunny PJ's snuggling your teddy bear like only a cute person would.  Or something.  

The crying selfie - Because you were so sad you wanted to take a picture of it to document your sadness for all of the world to see and comment on?

The I'm so dangerous selfie - The kind of selfie you take when you are on the edge of a cliff or like, next to a raging buffalo.  So everyone knows you aren't scared.  Of cliffs.  And 2000 pound raging, snorting animals with sharp mean horns and a good reason to want to pummel you.

Am I missing any??

there should be a generic letter of intent for facebook defriending

So Facebook has approximately 597 billion users or something.  OK fine I have no idea how many users Facebook has.  I made it up. eh hem... My point was that Facebook has a ton of users GUYS.

Personally, I hate talking on the phone.  I am not a phone chatter, so Facebook and texting helps make me a happier, more communicative person.  And less of a person who ignores responding to a back log of phone messages. Really, besides texting, what is a better way to communicate in this day and age than Facebook?

So how do you decide if defriending someone is offensive or not?  Don't you think it would be much kinder to send the person you want to defriend a Generic Letter of Intent, so they at least know why you're dumping them and they aren't surprised when they go to message you about setting up a playdate or something?

I got defriended before. I have to admit I was a little offended. At first I couldn't decide if I was offended or relieved. Then I was all, "That asshat that I haven't spoken with since 11th grade defriended me??  Who does he think he is??"  And now it's all awkward when I walk past him in the grocery store because I feel all squinty-eyed and defensive. But whatever, at least he has the balls that I don't. I mean that literally and figuratively, because you know, I'm a girl. And I also don't really have the balls to defriend people. Mostly because I don't like to hurt people's feelings.  Who knew I was so nice?

Facebook is a tough thing. You start up with it, you get excited to reconnect, you get all feeling like you're popular because you have 276 friends.  Woo hoo!  Then you realize that you kind of lost contact with most of those "friends" for a reason. Like, maybe they weren't really your friends to begin with. So initially you get caught up in the whole thing but then you find yourself stuck with friends who aren't your friends, and you really aren't sure if you want them looking at that adorable picture of your placenta.

FYI, I never posted an adorable picture of my placenta (NOT MINE ^). I may actually gag at the thought. I've heard that people have posted pictures of their placentas and other miscellaneous disgusting things and I'm not really sure why. I mean, I'm sure my placentas were as adorable as everyone else's placentas, but for the love of all that is normal, someone please tell me why we would post such things?

Anyway, I don't really think there is a delicate way to defriend someone. I've just really learned about the ways to make certain things private, and I use those features for people I don't feel close enough to share everything with.

Not that I'm hugely into Facebook or anything.  But it really does make a playdate set-up happen pretty effortlessly. Especially if you don't have the other parents phone number or something.

And I am all about effortlessly.  It is almost my favorite word.

On another note, blogger really needs to get with the times and make some updates.  The word defriend is a word of the times, right?  I mean, it's a Facebook world we live in! It's got to be in the dictionary at this point, and blogger spellcheck keeps giving me the option of changing it to befriend or behead.  Hm.  In a way defriending someone is sort of like beheading, right? Just lop it off, nice and clean, no discomfort. Well fine, obviously there is going to be a little discomfort, but you get what I mean. Right?

Fakebook. er, I mean Facebook

Occasionally I feel the need to rant a snitch about Fakebook, I mean, Facebook.

I read this article that said that 85 percent of users felt that their Facebook "friends" used the site to brag or overshare, and specifically found it irritating when people complained all the time, shared unsolicited political opinions and boasted about "seemingly perfect lives."

Most of us aren't typically going to pop on Facebook to share shitty things.  Well, except for the people that do, I guess.  Come to think of it, plenty of people do share shitty things.  I kind of find that to be just about as irritating as people sharing fake-y bullshit statuses and photos that make it look like their lives are perfect pictures of constant happiness.

You'll definitely have those friends that will TMI you to death about negative things.  Ugh.  Those people are so annoying.  Can't we all just be normal-ish?  Honestly, I don't mind honesty.  Like, if you're having a bad day and want to throw it out there, I personally do not find that too offensive.  To a degree.  Like, some things are just meant to be a little more private.  The occasional sharing of misfortune is alright for the most part, but if it gets to be persistent, it's just a huge downer.  

The passive/aggressive woe is me stuff really gets under my skin.  Like when someone puts their status as something like:  "When will this ever end?? I'm so over this!" or, "I just don't know what to think anymore..."

That kind of thing bugs me, but it also makes me feel sorry that the poster needs to use Facebook as a forum to seek the attention that they are obviously lacking.  They seem to need some validation or commiseration, which is fine.  Just, why do you need validation and commiseration publicly?  With about 427 of your closest friends?  It surprises me that so many people still don't grasp that nobody really appreciates that.

The only reason someone would like that is for the amusement of it all.  Like, they think it's funny to watch someone lose it.  People actually have fights on Facebook.  Verbal altercations, by grown-ups. We may as well quick go grab a tub of buttered popcorn and a soda because shit is going down.  Better than a movie, right?  How embarrassing!

If you happen to be a Facebook friend of mine, I sort of apologize for my dull and boring online existence.  I promise that you will never see attention seeking posts on my page.  I have no attention seeking bones in my body.

I think I should make a FAKEBOOK, and the tagline would be, "where we mostly have our shit together!"  And we could all post just the perfect, pretty stuff. Would you join?

blog cheating and stuff

One of my pre-resolutions is going to be getting back to the blogging thing.  Because whatever, I just feel like writing stuff.  Even if it is boring, or doesn't have any relevance.  

I have something to admit.  

I've actually been writing on another blog for a while.  Ugh, I know.  I'm ashamed.  I'm sorry!  I jumped ship here and started fresh somewhere else because I was thinking maybe it would be easier and you know, who knows if it is or not, but I kind of feel guilty and I should probably ditch that other blog.  I promise there is no great amazing content that you would care about or miss or anything.  It's just pretty much lame old, same old me.

I have noticed that I seriously only wrote four posts on this blog this year.  FOUR.  None of them were important or great or exciting.  Mostly they were about the fact that I hadn't written.  Which was obvious.  I suppose I didn't really need to point that out.

I've been re-reading the posts of the past and it's so obvious to me, that I was struggling.  I see where I went from being generally happy, generally normal, regular me to sad and erratic and scattered and pensive and like, downdowndown.  I don't know if anyone else would pick up on the subtle change, but I did, like, immediately.  I was reading along and I was like, ohhh.

Kind of like watching a train wreck.  You know it's going to be really shitty for a while but it's hard to look away.

Anyway, I think that the struggling part is getting better.  I'm more clear headed.  I'm a little harder, I think.  I still have a lot of stuff to say.  Because let's face it, we all know I am windy like that.  I was still windy when I was feeling all dark and moody and broody, but I just kept it to my own self.  I couldn't spew here.  I have so many angsty draft posts that will never see the light of day.  But writing stuff helped, even if it was only for getting it out of my cluttered head.

You know how Facebook is actually really more like "Fakebook?"  Like mostly people project their best selves because they want all of the people in their world to think that have it all together, all of the time.  Nobody posts about how their dog smells slightly like a skunk and their kid was exposed to lice and that they feel like a fatass.  I mean, nobody really posts those kind of things, right?  It's more like, "I went to the Farmer's Market!  I eat only organic! I bought sunflowers today! See the pretty sunflowers!  They are on my cute little farm table with the sun beam shining on them with perfection!  My life is great all of the time! Yay!"

But we all know that's not real life, right?  We all know that Facebook is like an alternate reality, right?

I'm an offender. Mostly I keep shitty stuff to myself, because you know, I can manage my own stuff. And I don't need anyone looking at me like, aw poor you. And also because who else really cares about the skunky dog and frantic delousing of a kid who actually has no sign of lice but I have to frantically delouse anyway because ugh. Who wants a bug?? Not me!

Well so anyway, I'm not making any promises of tons of fabulous, regular posts, because lets face it. We've all heard that shit before. But I think I'll hop on here again, and try to write stuff. Because why not?  Maybe it'll actually happen this time.

your friend request was totally unacceptable!

I know Facebook has been out there for like, 10 years or so but I'm still kind of feeling my way.  I know, I know!  But it takes me a while!  Sheesh.  How can you help it though when the Facebook peeps find the need to change things pretty much right about when you finally feel like you have a handle on it?  

I actually kind of get a kick out of watching people lose their shit over changes on Facebook.  I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering. I try to roll with it. Changes happen!  It's social media guys, not like, something really important, right?

So anyway, my issue is with the most random of random people friend requesting you. I just don't get it. I grasp the spammer type request - like everyone seems to get the occasional friend request from that incredibly unrealistic hot person who has like, one photo, who just joined Facebook yesterday and has 297 completely random friends from all over the place, right?  I have no trouble denying that faux-hot spammer who really wants to be my friend. 

I just find it so uncomfortable being on the receiving end when someone I met once at a college party in like, 1987 (who for what it's worth was kind of cute back in the day) requests to be my pal. Because like, why? Why do you want to be my friend? Curiosity? How come you even remember my name?  Did we share a magical moment and I forgot about it?  Ugh.

I can't stand denying someone because it makes me feel all like a mean girl who is like, "No you can not sit at my lunch table!  Go away, loser!"  I really try to be a nice person but I don't want someone that I totally don't know potentially perusing my pics and things.  I mean, maybe they just want to reach out.  Maybe they just want to say what up.  Like, ok?  But I don't even know you.

I've had random townies request me.  People I know of, and some that I really don't.  Some people I recognize as having mutual friends, so maybe we've met before?  But still, I really really don't like thinking about them checking out personal pics of my kids!  

I also had a weirdo stalker lady friend request me and Facebook message me a few times.  And I had to forward that info to my parents (heh, that makes me sounds like a little kid), because it's a person who is kind of stalking my family, and they're working with the police about it.  So that was weird.

And also, the very few people that I have accepted that I don't exactly know never even comment on things or like things or message me - like they basically don't interact with me at all.  So like, are they just watching me like a peeper??  Isn't that kind of creepy??  OK now I feel a little skin crawly and I might actually go delete some people.

I don't know, how do you guys deal with that stuff?  Am I just a weirdo overthinking things, as I usually do?

hey! you got unfriended!

Nah, I'm kind of glad there isn't a notification when someone unfriends you on Facebook.  It's the virtual equivalent of going to your regular table in the lunch room and realizing that your seat is taken.  And nobody will look you in the eye.  So you just stand there holding your lunch tray looking like an awkward loser and feeling horrible.

I can't handle such rejection.  Rejection is my worst thing.

I have no idea how many people have unfriended me on Facebook.  I'm not one of those people who pays attention to how many "friends" I have.  I don't keep track.  I only know of one or two instances that I've been unfriended.  Incidentally, did you know that the word "unfriend" is actually in the dictionary?

Anyway, I was unfriended after a facebook tiff, which is so beyond the norm for me.  I am a natural conflict avoider, in real life and online, but I was really offended by the straight up uncalled for rudeness and utter ignorance with something this person posted.  There was no way I couldn't comment.  I believe I conveyed my thoughts respectfully.  Apparently, people whose opinions differ from this person's opinion get unfriended.  I'm totally OK with it, it's not like we were really real live friends anyway.  Though I have to admit that I do miss some of her interesting posts.

The other time I was unfriended, I was slightly offended.  Mostly because there was no good reason to unfriend me.  And he friend requested me!  Ah, I guess the fact that we aren't actually friends could be the reason.  I mean, we grew up together, but this guy was super shy - I'm not even sure I know what his voice sounds like.  Our lockers were near each other though because we were both W's.  Maybe that's why he friended me.  After the unfriending incident, I happened to walk past this guy at the grocery store and I was all thinking, that jackass that I haven't spoken to since 11th grade unfriended me?!  Well who does he think he is??  But then I  decided, at least he has the balls to unfriend someone.  So I got over it.

I personally have a hard time unfriending anyone.  And it kills me to ignore a friend request.  It makes me feel so mean!  It goes way back, but I never want to be someone to hurt another person's feelings.  Sometimes at my own expense it seems.  And then sometimes I think, why in the world do I care if I say no to a friend request from some random person that I barely knew, or don't even know, or honestly don't WANT to know?

There really isn't a delicate way to unfriend someone though, is there?  When you just quietly and sneakily unfriend someone without explanation, it could hurt some feelings.  But who wants to explain such a thing??  What are you going to say,  Uh, I don't want to be your friend anymore because I'm sick of your annoying woe-is-me-passive/aggressive posts?   Or, your fake bullshit my-life-is-perfect-and-you-suck-at-life posts are driving me fucking nuts?

Those posters get on my last nerve.

I also have an aversion to the posters who rant about their political or religious beliefs.  I don't mind a mention.  I mean, I suppose Facebook is this generation's forum for getting your voice heard, but just, I can't stand the ranters.  I fairly recently had a "friend" who was so blatantly racist with a political rant, it disgusted me.  A while back, I posted a list - The Worst Kinds of Facebook Posts, and it got a ton of traffic for some reason.  It gets a little more in depth about the posters that I can't stand if you want to check it out.

Maybe before unfriending someone, you should post a generic letter of intent, so you don't take anyone by surprise.  Because otherwise, you're guaranteed to run into them at the local Farmer's Market and have one of those awkward "I unfriended you because you're annoying and I know that you know but we wont mention it" types of run-ins.  And let's face it, nobody like those kind of run-ins.

I guess there's something to be said for privacy settings, because let's face it, I'm probably not unfriending anyone in the near future.  If you use the privacy settings right, you can keep lots of things private from certain people, and you can get certain crazy people's annoying shit off of your news feed.  Sounds like a good tool.  

New February resolution:  Clean up my Facebook friends and the privacy settings associated with them.   I'll keep you informed of my progress.  And unless you get a generic letter of intent to be unfriended, we're all good.   I'm sure you were shaking in your boots.

stupid facebook people

My facebook is usually pretty tame.  I don't really keep up with people who are too into drama and stuff because I just don't have it in me to surround myself with that kind of negative shit on purpose.  I mean, I do have control over my facebook page.  Which ultimately means that I have control over what comes up in my feed, and what I choose to be around in the virtual world.  I firmly believe in the whole, if-you-don't-like-it-turn-the-channel kind of thing.  Which you can apply to facebook posts and stuff of course.

So I have this facebook "friend," who in all honesty isn't a friend.  We went to the same high school and would have graduated together, but we weren't friends really.  I guess I barely knew her.  Honestly, she may have been someone who came in a little later in the game, like 6th or 7th grade.  I have no real memory of her outside of high school.  Being from a small community though, you pretty much knew everyone in your graduating class by name.  I suppose at some point along the way, I accepted a friend request, because you know, I don't want to seem rude or anything.  Besides, what's the harm?

Man, I am thisclose to deleting this girl.  On an almost daily basis, she posts negative, ranty stuff - most often about politics, but also about her health issues and other woe-is-me random crap.  I get that it's her facebook and she can post what she wants.  I also get that she has every right to feel how she feels about politics and her health issues, etc.  But lately, I am just so offended by what I read!   I want to smack her through the computer and just say, do you hear how you sound?!  It still shocks me sometimes how ignorant some people still are. 

And really?  Facebook is the forum for this kind of thing?  Does she honestly believe her nasty, unpleasant updates are going to change someone's personal views on politics?  

It seems like she is such a miserable person, she feels almost fulfilled when her rant makes someone else uncomfortable or miserable.  Responding to one of her rants would definitely cause some drama.  She is always itching for a confrontation, seems to thrive on it actually, so I would not give her the satisfaction of responding to her stupid, racist, intolerable ramblings.  To add insult, 99% of her rants are filled with spelling and grammatical errors that make her look minimally educated as well as ignorant!

I decided that I am not deleting her til after the presidential election, which is one of the bigger things she's all fired up about.  Is it mean that I want to see her lose her shit if the election doesn't go down as she wants it to?  She may just spontaneously combust.  It's like watching a train wreck.

On the plus side, facebook does a great job of reminding you exactly why you never really got to know someone more than just saying what up as you passed each other in the halls of high school.

one last thing about the facebook

Doesn't it seems like everyone has an opinion on Facebook these days? You have your proponents, your opponents, your addicts, your stalkers, your casual users.  I honestly cannot think of anyone between the ages of 10 and 80 who don't at least know what Facebook is.


I actually only know a handful of people who don't have a Facebook.  Isn't that weird?  Not weird that they aren't on Facebook, but more like, isn't it weird that this social networking thing has become so much a part of most of our daily lives?  To think there are actual new words and terms associated with Facebook that even my grandmother knows about is so funny to me.  "Friending," "defriending," "liking," "status updates," "FARMVILLE."  Odd to think that just ten years ago, if you threw any of those terms into an average conversation, nobody would have had a clue as to what you were talking about.


And have you ever noticed that when you happen to stumble across someone who doesn't have or use Facebook, they immediately get this shifty nervous look in their eye when it is brought up?  Like they are scrambling to convince you of a good reason they aren't doing it, concerned about your judgement, terrified that they aren't hip to this generation that we live in...


It's crazy actually.  The Facebook generation.  But you have to admit, it is a pretty big part of things these days.  And it seems like it's not going to be going away anytime soon.


So anyway, as luck would have it, I've made a little pro/con list of having a Facebook in case you are one of the few who are waffling on the issue of creating an account.  Because, obviously!  And at the end, I've outlined a little sampling of the most annoying kind of Facebook posters.


Pros


Reconnecting.  Apparently this is the biggest thing.  Who knew that 276 of my closest friends wanted to reconnect with me?  Except, I may very well have disconnected because I didn't want to be friends with about 273 of them.  


Making new friends.  If you aren't making new friends (I'm not), you're at least solidifying old ones.  Or voyeuristically checking out their lives.  Because, who wouldn't?


Easily keeping in touch with faraway family and friends. It is a quick, convenient and easy way to communicate, share pics and keep up to date on each others lives.  And another plus, if there are people in your life that you have to communicate with, you get to do it less personally than if it were in real life!  Win!


Birthday wishes, kudos etc.  You have to admit that it does feel kinda nice when you log on to a page of 97 Happy Birthday wishes, or a good luck or a job well done.  It just does.


Peeking in at other peoples lives.  Not exactly in a stalkerish way.  More like in an "interested in your life" way.  Or, a stalkerish way.


Getting insider scoops and info on the things that you have "liked."   If you "like" bands, authors, TV shows, brands, stores, etc, you'll get notified of anything up and coming, including coupons, deals, giveaways and sales.  I am very pro-deal, sale and insider info, so this makes me happy.




and now, all of the Cons


Reconnecting.  For the most part, you stopped being friends with certain people for a reason.  Right?  Like that girl in 7th grade who told me my boobs were too big, that one who set me up for a lifetime of insecurities and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  Yeah, I still don't want to be her friend.


Awkward friend requests from people that I don't know, or barely know.  OMG, it is so uncomfortable when you get friended by someone that you don't know, or someone that you really don't want to know.  You just feel mean and awkward, and it mocks you, sitting there in your notification thing.  Your mean-ness becomes an in your face daily mockery.


Soapboxes.  Ugh, I hate this. I don't want to hear a rant on your political, religious or hot button issues.  I appreciate a good debate, I really do.  But, honestly, I'm not going to get into it on Facebook with you.  And it's a rare person who can sway my opinion on big issues anyway. 


Fight starters.  There just seem to be those people that thrive on drama.  It's like they lie in wait for a person to make the "wrong" comment about something and pounce.  So far I have been in one Facebook tiff, and man, it was frustrating.  I did not start it, but I think I ended it.  Jerk.


Lame or nonsensical updates every freaking hour.  Come on.  Nobody cares what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack every. single. day.  Not everybody wants to know everything.


Changing profile pictures of yourself every day, then commenting on how how ugly/bad/fat you look.  Why post the picture if you think you look like shit?  We all know why.  Because you want people to tell you that you look pretty.  Compliment whore.


Stalkers.  Freaks me out that people are looking too deeply into my life.   Or have the ability to.  Narcissistic much?


Time suck.  Good Cod you can spend hours and hours just checking out the lives of other people.  And trying to make your life look better to other people.


Being tagged in hideous pictures.  I love being the one behind the camera.    Because I know how basically impossible it is for me to look good in a picture.  You go into a party thinking you look like a princess, then later discover you really looked like an overdone asshole.  Thanks to the idiot that posted and tagged you in 50 awful pictures, the whole world gets to see that you looked like an overdone asshole.  As opposed to just the people who were actually at the party.


Trying to figure out all of the privacy settings so you are less stalkable.  Damn but they make it confusing to have some privacy on that thing.


All of the fucking changes they make as soon as you finally get used to the latest platform.  Need I say more?  Do I sound a little hostile?


Being defriended.  Well that just brings you right back to the days of getting kicked off the popular table in the lunchroom, doesn't it?


Hurt feelings.  It's hard to avoid the pictures of that great party you (just discovered you) weren't invited to, being that all of your friends seemed to have super fun party pics posted all over their pages.  Or you see an event that your kid got left out of.  Or nobody commented on that thing you thought was worthy of a comment.  Facebook opens up a whole new world of feeling left out/excluded.


And then, last week I wrote this little post about The 18 most annoying kinds of posts, which you can feel free to click on in case you missed it and are utterly intrigued by the title.


I'm leaving you with a clip from a funny post this guy wrote about the pros and cons of deleting your Facebook.  I have to share it with you because (a) I am very pro-pro and con lists, and (b) the whole article was damn funny.  You can thank me with your laughter.  And a raspberry daiquiri with whipped cream on top.  C'mon you know the drill.


"Pro: I will be an overall more productive person
Con: I will be a very bored productive person.


Pro: I will no longer have to read status updates from a girl in my high school about it being a beautiful day in Fresno today.
Con: I will no longer be able to laugh at status updates from a girl in my high school about it being a beautiful day in Fresno today.


Pro: I don’t know anything about my exes!
Con: I don’t know anything about my exes.


Pro: I will not have to field invitations from some event promoter about his party.
Con: I might miss an invite to an actual party I want to go to. And people won’t bother to tell me in person because they’ll assume I have a Facebook. OMG, we are just all technology’s bitch!


Pro: My family members on Facebook will no longer know about the times I get drunk and post a status update about it.
Con: There is absolutely no con to that.


Pro: I will no longer become unhealthily obsessed with people I don’t know.
Con: Strangers will no longer be able to get unhealthily obsessed with me.


Pro: I will have an air of mystery about me.
Con: People might forget that I exist."

the 18 worst kind of Facebook posts...

Well, what do you know?  Another list.  This one has been in the making for a while now, because Cod darn it it there are so many offensive status updates out there.  The only problem is, if we got rid of these types of posters, who would I have left to mock?

The 18 most annoying kinds of Facebook posts

1. Mysterious woe is me sympathy bait post.  I can't stand the posts where people are begging you to comment, to pooh pooh them, to pat them on the back, head, ass and placate them.  For example:  "Trying to be strong after everything that happened today..."

2. The "I'm so physically fit" posts.  You know, those posters who want to make you feel like a lazy slob.  "Just did 8.234 miles up hill and in the rain in under 45 minutes!  Next, taking out the bike for a quick spin around town, and I'll probably have just enough time for an hour of yoga when I get back.  Hit me up if you want to shoot some hoops later!"  Um, nah, I'll just watch you while I eat this bag of Cheetos...

3. Disgusting weird TMI posts.  I promise you that nobody wants to see your kid's latest diaper bomb, the hugest poop you ever took proudly photographed in your toilet, or your placenta.  Please trust me when I say that nobody cares what your kid shat.  For example:  "Check this out!  I'm not sure what just happened, but Little Bobby just left a poop bigger than my arm in the toilet!" Sure friend, you just wait there while we all collectively throw up in our mouths... 

4. The passive aggressive post.  To me, some of the most annoying kinds of posters of all.  For example:  "Don't you just hate it when certain people can't give you the time of day, but somehow find plenty of time to help their other "friends" all weekend long? Wow.  Just wow."  Dude, certain people don't give you the time of day because you are a whiney bitch.

5. The spoiler alert poster.  Ugh.  You know how you Tivo'd that final episode of the Biggest Loser, so you could watch it after dinner on the couch with a bowl of ice cream?  Somewhere, one of your friends will have already posted, "OMG I can't believe Danny just won!!  Doesn't he look fantastic?" 

6. The fucking idiot.  "Imma be realllz witchu bitchezz rite now aiiight?  Dis shiiiit be off da hizzzle.  Wooorrrdddd."  Um, Imma slap your face, moron.

7. The "I'm-so-great-please-envy-me" posts.  For example:  "Fiji sure looks great from the Penthouse suite!  Ordering room service, then off to get some sun on the yacht.  Life is great!"  Yay!

8. The cheesy quoter posters.  Oh gag me please.  "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it's meant to be..."  posted of course by a picture of some bird flying off into the sunset.

9. The poster who wants to be sure that you know he is down with the 2000s and understands text-ese.  For example:  "ROTFLMAO at Jane 2nite!  :) Don't 4get to BYOB to the party!  C U all L8R!"  We get it buddy.  You're hip.

10. The inspirational post.  From the guy that you just know has those successory posters framed and hanging all over his house, you'll get one of these types:  "Success is not measured in how many times you fall, but how many times you get up after you fall."  Or something like that.

11. Weather complaint posts.  Omg.  Weather changes.  Sometimes it's hot.   Sometimes it's cold.  And sometimes, it's just right!  We all get it.  In winter, they post:  "It's freezing!  I hate this state!"  then, same poster in the summer, "If we get one more day of 90 degree weather I swear I'm going to move to the North Pole!"

12. The obscure poster.  The kind of poster who is dying for you to ask what the fuck they are talking about with an update like,  "And so it is."  Yes, yes it is, douche.

13.  The Facebook fighter.  Those online fights that you'd see between a couple.  Mortifying train wrecks.  "So Darren thought it was appropriate to text his ex-girlfriend over the weekend, then decided to go out and get drunk with some buddies for 6 hours Monday night while I stayed home with the kids.  I live a great life.  Not!"  Please, nobody wants to know...

14.  The backhanded complimenter.  This is the kind of poster who ultimately wants to make you feel like shit, that guy who just can't be happy for you without trying to bring you down a snitch. "Wow Brian!  Congrats on the huge promotion!  Hard to believe you're the same guy who peed his pants every day in second grade! LOL!"

15.  That doofus who still posts in the third person.  "Jocelyn is tired and sick and really wishes she could just go home and crawl under the covers til tomorrow."  Facebook has changed.  Roll with it.

16.  The dramatic threatener.  You know you've seen these kind of posts: "I hate all of this petty bullshit.  I'm deleting my account."  And then of course, they don't.

17.  The misguided campaigner.  Those people that constantly post things like, "If you truly care about helping animals that are being abused, repost this as your status!"  No, you fuck.  A Facebook status update will not help abused animals.  If you want to help abused animals, volunteer at the nearest ASPCA.

18. The horrifying PDA posts.  Please, oh please.  Someone stop these people from procreating.  "My honey is the cutest, sweetest lover boy out there.  Dumpling pudding sugar pie baby-poo, I love you soooo much!  You'll always be my Boo!  <3 <3 <3  I could never live without you! xoxoxoxoxo MUAH!"  I've officially vomited.

So, I'm sure I will have annoyed some Facebook Offenders with this post.  Sorry!  I couldn't help it.  I may actually have been an offender myself at one point.  Maybe.  But probably not.  Definitely let me know if there are any irritating post/ers that I've missed!

richard beheaded bob. no really.

So a funny thing happened the other day. 

My sister told me how she had been chatting with her friend (lets call her) Bob, and Bob told my sister that she went to facebook a mutual friend, (let's call her) Richard to see if Richard's kid could come over for a play date. 


You know, because really, what is a better way to communicate in this day and age than facebook?

Personally, I hate talking on the phone.  I am not a phone chatter, so the facebook and the texting helps make me a happier, more communicative person.  And less of a person who ignores responding to a back log of phone messages.

So back to Bob and Richard.  Bob and Richard have known each other for years, and their kids are in the same grade and are friends.  So Bob goes to facebook Richard, and realizes that she's been inexplicably defriended.  Richard defriended Bob for no apparent reason.  I mean, WTF Richard?  So needless to say, the playdate was a little more difficult to make happen.  And maybe a feeling or two ended up getting hurt there.

Hm.

So how do you decide if defriending someone is offensive or not?

I got defriended before.  I have to admit I was a little offended.  At first I couldn't decide if I was offended or relieved.  Then I was all, "That asshat that I haven't spoken with since 11th grade defriended me??  Who does he think he is??"  And now it's all awkward when I walk past him in the Grand Union.  But whatever, at least he has the balls that I don't.  I mean literally and figuratively, because you know, I don't really have balls.  And I also don't really have the balls to defriend people.  Mostly because I don't like to hurt people's feelings.  Who knew I was so nice?

Facebook is a tough thing.  You start up with it, you get excited to reconnect, you get all feeling like you're popular because you have 276 friends.  Woo hoo!  Then you realize that you kind of lost contact with most of those "friends" for a reason.  Like, maybe they weren't really your friends to begin with.  So initially you get caught up in the whole thing but then you find yourself stuck with friends who aren't your friends, and you really aren't sure if you want them looking at that adorable picture of your placenta.

FYI, I never posted an adorable picture of my placenta.  I may actually gag at the thought.  I've heard that people have posted pictures of their placentas and other miscellaneous disgusting things and I'm not really sure why.  I mean, I'm sure my placentas were as adorable as everyone else's placentas, but for the love of Cod, someone please tell me why we would post such things?

Anyway, I don't really think there is a delicate way to defriend someone. I've just really learned about the ways to make certain things private, and I use those features for people I don't feel close enough to share everything with.

Not that I'm hugely into facebook or anything.  But it really does make a playdate set-up happen effortlessly.

And I am all about effortlessly.  It is almost my favorite word.

** You know, blogger really needs to get with the times and make some updates.  The word defriend is a word of the times, right?  I mean, it's a facebook word.  It's got to be in the dictionary, and blogger spellcheck keeps giving me options to change it to befriend or behead.  Come to think of it, this post would have been a lot more interesting if I initially said that Richard beheaded Bob. Don't you think?