Facebook unfriending and a generic letter of intent

Don't you think if someone is going to unfriend you on Facebook, they should put out a generic letter of intent or something?

I mean, lets be real. When you unfriend someone for no apparent reason, you're sending a pretty harsh message to that person. Deleting people from social media is the modern way to tell people that you don't want them in your life. In my opinion, the cost of maintaining a Facebook friendship is pretty low and if you make a conscious decision to push a button to get rid of someone, it can be pretty puzzling to a person who always assumed you were on a friendly basis. I have to wonder, why wouldn't you just "unfriend" me to my face? Too awkward?

The other day, my sister came stomping in the house and was all like, "Do you know (this person we know) Jen unfriended us on Facebook?"

I was like, "Huh?"

And she was like, "Yup!  She unfriended me and you and Ty and Alex! Can you believe that??  That is SO RUDE."

And I was like, "Well maybe she deactivated her account or something."  Because really, this person is a local Mom who grew up with my husband, someone whose daughter is friends with mine and my sister Ali's kids. I literally speak to her every time I have to call the place that she works.  I'm friendly. I mean, clearly we aren't BFF's or anything.  But in my defense, I'm not BFF's with anyone.  We all know that I'm socially uncool. But its like, did we do something?  Did we mass-offend her with something we did or said?  How could she hate us all in one fell swoop?

I'm pretty low key.  I'm not a Facebook over-sharer.  In fact, I'm not a big Facebook person in general. I pretty rarely post, maybe hop on every day or two to see what's happening, comment here and there and maybe wish people a happy birthday. I don't have political rants or aggressively comment on people's posts. I'm a pretty private person, so constantly posting updates and pictures about my life is something that I don't do. I definitely don't take Facebook too seriously. Obviously, different people have different reasons for using Facebook- and obviously her Facebook is HER Facebook to be friends with whomever she chooses to be friends with, but seriously, deleting someone from your social media is definitely sending a strong message. And the message "I don't want to be your friend," comes through pretty loud and clear.

Then Ali was like, "No, I saw she changed her name on Facebook, like she was being all incognito or something."

So huh.  That's pretty lame.

What sucks is, I really do see this person enough for it to be freaking awkward.  I can't help it, I'm offended! Maybe before unfriending someone, you should post a generic letter of intent, so you don't take anyone by surprise and unnecessarily hurt feelings. You have to know that you're guaranteed to run into them on the sidelines of your kid's field hockey game or something and have one of those awkward "I unfriended you because you're annoying and I know that you know you've been unfriended, but we just won't mention it and we'll continue to pretend that we're friendly" types of uncomfortable run-ins.  And let's face it, nobody like those kind of run-ins.

Way back in the beginning of Facebook, it was like you friended everyone from the person who takes your order at the pizza place, to that one guy you hung out with at a college rager once, 25 years ago. I get that these days people might be all like, "I just want to be friends with people that I actually know and like."  That definitely makes sense.  And chances are, the random that you accepted as a friend two years ago probably wont even notice if you unfriend them.  

But as far as local people that you don't necessarily dislike and are bound to run into often enough to make it uncomfortable?  Like, why not just put them in a category of like, "people that I'm not tight with." In doing that, you can keep most things private from them, you can set it so they don't see your posts, or whatever. If you do that, they're none the wiser, and they're not all offended and confused.

ANYway, it really isn't worth getting bent out of shape about. It's Facebook. But next time I see her, I suppose I'll keep my distance.

Have you ever been randomly unfriended by someone you thought you were cool with?

She almost unleashed my inner bitch. Then I controlled myself.

So I was washing dishes last night (I do have a dishwasher, I just like to wash dishes sometimes because I am a weirdo) and my cell phone rang.  I kind of assumed it was Alex because it was almost 8 and he wasn't home yet, but when I picked up the phone, I saw that I was getting a call from a cell phone number that I didn't recognize.

Ugh, I hate talking to people on the phone.  I barely want to talk to my main little crew of people, much less a random who somehow has my number and feels like they should call me.  I was kind of thinking, omg what if its someone who wants to chat?? 

Normally, I wouldn't have answered a call from a number that I didn't recognize.  I would have let it go to voicemail, and if it was important enough, whoever it was could have left me a message. But because Megan was out doing some pre-prom prep with her friends, and Alex wasn't yet home, I figured, ah, I'll just answer the freaking thing in case its someone who needs me.

All of this mental debating happened while the phone was ringing, of course.

So I answered it.  "Hello?"

And a lady, who I don't recognize says, "Who's this?"

Huh.  That is something that irritates the crap out of me.  YOU called ME, remember?  You should know who it is, dumbass.

So of course, I answered with, "Who's this?"

And she says, rather snottily, "Well you called me."

And I was like, huh?  Pretty sure my phone rang... and I answered it...

So I said, "No, I didn't. You called me."

And again, snottily, she goes, "Yes you did."

Welp.  I so wasn't in the mood for people being snotty and argumentative with me for no apparent reason. And besides, I knew I didn't call her, or even pocket dial her accidentally because I was up to my elbows in soapy water and my phone was across the room.

So I said, "Nope. I didn't."

Which was when she interrupted me (!) and said, "Your number is on my phone, so you called me!"

And I looked down at my phone to check the number, to see if I actually recognized it, or if I possibly somehow called it without my own knowledge, knowing full well that I literally only call my people or the doctor. But I looked anyway because I was puzzled.

So I reigned in my mounting irritation and pleasantly responded, "I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number."  I was so pleasant, guys. Even though I wanted to reach through the phone and smack her snotty mouth.

AND SHE INTERRUPTED ME AGAIN, saying "You called me."

I was like, whoa lady, you're about to unleash fucking cranky me, because cranky me had been percolating all day long for no good reason. Cranky me was just waiting for a good reason to burst. Also, I don't tolerate snottiness well.

So, shockingly very controlled, I said, "Nope. I didn't."

And then that jackass HUNG UP ON ME.  But not before she could get the last words in, "Yes you did!"

OK, so I am pretty chill in general. Not a ton gets me crazy, I let shit roll off my back. I'm pretty well medicated. Most of the things that get me all fired up have to do with a lack of general respect/common courtesy.  

So I stood there for a minute, like, "Who does she think she is hanging up on me!"  Also, that snotty woman got the last word!! I HATE when jerks get the last word! It's one of my worst things.

So I googled the phone number, and shockingly, a name and address came up. That's a little freaky, right?  It was a guy's number. But then I was distracted with the fact that maybe my cell phone number is google-able! With my actual name and address attached!  For whatever reason, I don't like the idea of that.  It would be nice to have ONE THING that could be slightly private. So of course I immediately checked and found that my number pretty much wasn't out there. Which was good because what if crazy lady decided to come stalk me for some weird reason? For example, me telling her I didn't call her phone, even though I didn't. You never know how a crazy person's mind works.

OK fine, I personally know how a crazy person's mind works, because I have one of those. I am a little crazy on the inside. So I kind of know your basic crazy persons thought process.

Anyway, though it briefly crossed my mind, I didn't call her back or anything.  I had to bring my kiddo up to bed, and while I was waiting for her to brush her teeth, I was thinking, I bet that it was her boyfriend or husband's phone. I bet she looked at his phone and saw a number she didn't recognize. I bet she thought her guy was stepping out on her. Not sure how my number comes into play, but damn.

The thought of going through my husband's stuff never crosses my mind. I might be crazy, but I trust him, a lot. I feel like if we ever get to the point where we need to snoop around, checking up on each other, we've hit a pretty low point in our relationship. Like, the point where the relationship might actually be doomed. Honestly, the snooping thing wouldn't work with me.  At all. I like my privacy, and I like my space. I respect my husband enough to give him privacy and space. He definitely knows how I feel. Crap like that never even comes up with us.

ANYway, I kind of want to Facebook stalk the guy and see if he looks like a guy who would have a crazy woman in his life.

The time I vaguely felt like Neal Page from Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I hate shopping.

I really do.  And by shopping, I mean shopping in person of course.  I mean, nobody hates shopping from the comfort of their cozy couch, right?  Who could hate that?  Who could hate getting deliveries on your front porch of boxes filled with new and shiny things?  Nobody, that's who.

So I had to go shopping in real life.  Which means I had to put on a bra and pants, god damn it.  

I also had to put makeup on, because I don't want to look like a gross wrinkle who now has a beard stain on my face. (I'll tell you about the beard stain another day, probably)  I had to make my hair look passable, which is becoming a challenge lately, let me tell you.

After all of that freaking exhausting preparation,  I had to drive to the mall.  And circle the freaking mall parking lot for a parking spot, two weeks before Christmas.  Who wants to do that on purpose??  Apparently a lot more people than I had hoped...

I am not the kind of person who needs to get the closest spot in the parking lot to feel like I have scored.  I mean, I'd love the closest spot, obviously, because who wouldn't.  But I actually kind of like parking far away.  I like walking.  Especially if I am not the carrier of the bags.  Having a really far away parking spot didn't annoy me, though I can't say the same about the circling part.  I was in a pretty fine mood, considering all of the shopping prep that just took place.

I had to go to the mall because I was overcharged on two things that I had recently bought that were on sale and you know, I would have just sucked it up, but I was annoyed!!  Why advertise a great sale if you don't honor it!  It was a BOGO that saved me over 80 bucks!  I love saving 80 bucks!

The situation was slightly confusing because I only had an email receipt, and there were a lot of things on that receipt, so I decided to go talk to a person in customer service.  It seemed easier to explain everything to a real face.  

So after getting myself presentable, driving to the freaking mall, and then circling the insane parking lot for an actual spot, I got to the store and went to where customer service used to be.

And it wasn't there.

So, no big deal, things change.  Customer service desks can change and move, I can roll with it.  So I went to the store map because I am smart like that, but I couldn't find the spot for Customer Service.  So hm.  I figured fine, I will just go ask a person at a register if they could help me.

Being that it is two weeks before Christmas and that the parking lot was basically full, I assumed there would be a few lines.  So yes, I did assume correctly.  There were lines.  At every register.  I picked the least lengthy looking one and waited my turn.

When it was finally my turn, I explained my problem to the moron checkout person.  She told me that I should go to a different department. So grr, fine.  Like the cool cucumber I am, I once again rolled with it and made my way to the department she told me to go to.  Where I once again waited on a dumbass line, which brought me to another equally moronic checkout person, who promptly told me that I needed to go to a different department.  OK. So double grr.  I was inwardly like, really dumbass, isn't this your job??? But I dug deep for some Christmas fucking cheer, slapped a smile on my face and went to the department he directed me to, because Christmas! (keep in mind this is now the 4th place I visited)

You have to know how this ended.  I got to the other department, waited for a few moments while the lady yapped with her co-workers about non-work related things, then finally she gave me her attention. I vaguely felt like I was in Planes Trains and Automobiles where I was Neal Page and I had finally reached the desk and the lady with big hair yapped on the phone and said gobble gobble.  Remember that part?  When the lady finally decided to give me her attention, she told me that they don't have a customer service department anymore, and that I should go back to the department that I just came from because they know more about the merchandise than she does.  Then I wanted to act like Neal Page and say, "I want a fucking car, right fucking now."  Except instead of a car I just wanted a person who actually knew what they were doing.

REALLY???   

That was the point that I stamped away angrily.  I literally made my way around four floors to wait on four lines to talk to four different people who were each equally clueless.  I could have easily lost my mind.  But instead I stamped away all sweaty-faced and frizzy-haired (from being sweaty). I decided to say fuck it and write a mean tweet.  And I don't even tweet. I couldn't even find a customer service phone number on their credit card that would direct me to someone who was actually with the store.  Who doesn't have a customer service department in their store???  Macy's that's who.  And I am writing a mean tweet.

The bad news is that I really can't boycott the store because I really love Macy's, and their sales are always so great.  Except of course, when they don't give you the sale price.

That was my most recent trip to the mall.  And you wonder why I hate going shopping?

Fakebook. er, I mean Facebook

Occasionally I feel the need to rant a snitch about Fakebook, I mean, Facebook.

I read this article that said that 85 percent of users felt that their Facebook "friends" used the site to brag or overshare, and specifically found it irritating when people complained all the time, shared unsolicited political opinions and boasted about "seemingly perfect lives."

Most of us aren't typically going to pop on Facebook to share shitty things.  Well, except for the people that do, I guess.  Come to think of it, plenty of people do share shitty things.  I kind of find that to be just about as irritating as people sharing fake-y bullshit statuses and photos that make it look like their lives are perfect pictures of constant happiness.

You'll definitely have those friends that will TMI you to death about negative things.  Ugh.  Those people are so annoying.  Can't we all just be normal-ish?  Honestly, I don't mind honesty.  Like, if you're having a bad day and want to throw it out there, I personally do not find that too offensive.  To a degree.  Like, some things are just meant to be a little more private.  The occasional sharing of misfortune is alright for the most part, but if it gets to be persistent, it's just a huge downer.  

The passive/aggressive woe is me stuff really gets under my skin.  Like when someone puts their status as something like:  "When will this ever end?? I'm so over this!" or, "I just don't know what to think anymore..."

That kind of thing bugs me, but it also makes me feel sorry that the poster needs to use Facebook as a forum to seek the attention that they are obviously lacking.  They seem to need some validation or commiseration, which is fine.  Just, why do you need validation and commiseration publicly?  With about 427 of your closest friends?  It surprises me that so many people still don't grasp that nobody really appreciates that.

The only reason someone would like that is for the amusement of it all.  Like, they think it's funny to watch someone lose it.  People actually have fights on Facebook.  Verbal altercations, by grown-ups. We may as well quick go grab a tub of buttered popcorn and a soda because shit is going down.  Better than a movie, right?  How embarrassing!

If you happen to be a Facebook friend of mine, I sort of apologize for my dull and boring online existence.  I promise that you will never see attention seeking posts on my page.  I have no attention seeking bones in my body.

I think I should make a FAKEBOOK, and the tagline would be, "where we mostly have our shit together!"  And we could all post just the perfect, pretty stuff. Would you join?

well, that irritates.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I'm kind of chill.  Well, on the outside.  On the outside I'm kind of chill.  On the inside, well that is just another story for another time.  But you know, I try to be kind.  Usually it's not too hard to be kind, because most people are decent.  But then there are people who are just assholes.  Those people I have no tolerance for, and I hate when I am forced to devote even one minute of my life to them - in any form.  Most often, the form of me mentally fuming over something that happened that I couldn't respond to properly, or me being forced to be in some rude jerk's presence and remain polite.

Tell me if these things bug you too, or if it's just me, being irrational and expecting too much from others.

You know how when you are talking to someone, then all of a sudden, you realize that they were paying way more attention to their cell phone or iPad than to you? 

distracted by the latest technology

Or that entitled guy who believes that he deserves a better spot in the line than everyone else.

the entitled driver

Or when you are being kind, and someone ignores your gesture.

the rude pedestrian

Or that person who can't let you finish a sentence without butting in and turning the conversation back to them.

the interrupter

Then there are the smokers that seem to congregate at the door of every establishment.  I get it, I actually kind of feel sorry that the smokers are banished to the cold outdoors to do their business, but I can't stand coughing my way through their stinky, smokey cloud on the way to my doctor's appointment.  And then of course you smell like you're the smoker.

the smoker

Lastly, that person who uses Facebook or some other form of social media to force you to listen to incessant preaching and ranting about their personal political or religious beliefs. 

the shouting from a soap box via multimedia offender

What do you guys think?

stupid facebook people

My facebook is usually pretty tame.  I don't really keep up with people who are too into drama and stuff because I just don't have it in me to surround myself with that kind of negative shit on purpose.  I mean, I do have control over my facebook page.  Which ultimately means that I have control over what comes up in my feed, and what I choose to be around in the virtual world.  I firmly believe in the whole, if-you-don't-like-it-turn-the-channel kind of thing.  Which you can apply to facebook posts and stuff of course.

So I have this facebook "friend," who in all honesty isn't a friend.  We went to the same high school and would have graduated together, but we weren't friends really.  I guess I barely knew her.  Honestly, she may have been someone who came in a little later in the game, like 6th or 7th grade.  I have no real memory of her outside of high school.  Being from a small community though, you pretty much knew everyone in your graduating class by name.  I suppose at some point along the way, I accepted a friend request, because you know, I don't want to seem rude or anything.  Besides, what's the harm?

Man, I am thisclose to deleting this girl.  On an almost daily basis, she posts negative, ranty stuff - most often about politics, but also about her health issues and other woe-is-me random crap.  I get that it's her facebook and she can post what she wants.  I also get that she has every right to feel how she feels about politics and her health issues, etc.  But lately, I am just so offended by what I read!   I want to smack her through the computer and just say, do you hear how you sound?!  It still shocks me sometimes how ignorant some people still are. 

And really?  Facebook is the forum for this kind of thing?  Does she honestly believe her nasty, unpleasant updates are going to change someone's personal views on politics?  

It seems like she is such a miserable person, she feels almost fulfilled when her rant makes someone else uncomfortable or miserable.  Responding to one of her rants would definitely cause some drama.  She is always itching for a confrontation, seems to thrive on it actually, so I would not give her the satisfaction of responding to her stupid, racist, intolerable ramblings.  To add insult, 99% of her rants are filled with spelling and grammatical errors that make her look minimally educated as well as ignorant!

I decided that I am not deleting her til after the presidential election, which is one of the bigger things she's all fired up about.  Is it mean that I want to see her lose her shit if the election doesn't go down as she wants it to?  She may just spontaneously combust.  It's like watching a train wreck.

On the plus side, facebook does a great job of reminding you exactly why you never really got to know someone more than just saying what up as you passed each other in the halls of high school.

monday listicle - things that make you go hmm

So I've been reading this new to me blog, The Good Life, and it's fun and funny.  And guess what?  That Stasha does a feature thing that is called Monday Listicles.  There are different topics every Monday where you list ten things, then link up.  Well.  You all know how much I love lists.  So I have to participate.  Because, you know, it would be a crime if I passed up an opportunity to write a list and link it to other list writers and then like, love my list so hard.  So apparently this week's topic is "Ten Things that make you go hmmm."  Well huh.  This shouldn't be too hard for an opinionated girl like myself.

It makes me go hmmm when I step on a piece of chewed up gum in the parking lot.

It make me go hmmm when I find a used band-aid just like, somewhere that is not in the actual garbage.

It makes me go hmmm when everybody throws their dirty laundry in front of the laundry room door.  As opposed to inside the laundry room.

It makes me go hmmm when I look nice in a dressing room mirror, but look like a disgusting oaf in my own mirror.

It makes me go hmmm that people take my things and do not put them back.  Such as my shampoo.  My razor.  My hairbrush.  You know.  That.

It makes me go hmmm when I see someone being mean to their kid/s in public. Not like, being a parent reprimanding or correcting, just like, being a mean, mean person.

It makes me go hmmm when people make rude comments to and about each 
other all over the internet.

It makes me go hmmm when people are so judgmental about one another.  As if they are perfect.

It makes me go hmmm when people begrudge you for your good fortune.

It makes me go hmmm that I could come up with these things all. day. long.

one last thing about the facebook

Doesn't it seems like everyone has an opinion on Facebook these days? You have your proponents, your opponents, your addicts, your stalkers, your casual users.  I honestly cannot think of anyone between the ages of 10 and 80 who don't at least know what Facebook is.


I actually only know a handful of people who don't have a Facebook.  Isn't that weird?  Not weird that they aren't on Facebook, but more like, isn't it weird that this social networking thing has become so much a part of most of our daily lives?  To think there are actual new words and terms associated with Facebook that even my grandmother knows about is so funny to me.  "Friending," "defriending," "liking," "status updates," "FARMVILLE."  Odd to think that just ten years ago, if you threw any of those terms into an average conversation, nobody would have had a clue as to what you were talking about.


And have you ever noticed that when you happen to stumble across someone who doesn't have or use Facebook, they immediately get this shifty nervous look in their eye when it is brought up?  Like they are scrambling to convince you of a good reason they aren't doing it, concerned about your judgement, terrified that they aren't hip to this generation that we live in...


It's crazy actually.  The Facebook generation.  But you have to admit, it is a pretty big part of things these days.  And it seems like it's not going to be going away anytime soon.


So anyway, as luck would have it, I've made a little pro/con list of having a Facebook in case you are one of the few who are waffling on the issue of creating an account.  Because, obviously!  And at the end, I've outlined a little sampling of the most annoying kind of Facebook posters.


Pros


Reconnecting.  Apparently this is the biggest thing.  Who knew that 276 of my closest friends wanted to reconnect with me?  Except, I may very well have disconnected because I didn't want to be friends with about 273 of them.  


Making new friends.  If you aren't making new friends (I'm not), you're at least solidifying old ones.  Or voyeuristically checking out their lives.  Because, who wouldn't?


Easily keeping in touch with faraway family and friends. It is a quick, convenient and easy way to communicate, share pics and keep up to date on each others lives.  And another plus, if there are people in your life that you have to communicate with, you get to do it less personally than if it were in real life!  Win!


Birthday wishes, kudos etc.  You have to admit that it does feel kinda nice when you log on to a page of 97 Happy Birthday wishes, or a good luck or a job well done.  It just does.


Peeking in at other peoples lives.  Not exactly in a stalkerish way.  More like in an "interested in your life" way.  Or, a stalkerish way.


Getting insider scoops and info on the things that you have "liked."   If you "like" bands, authors, TV shows, brands, stores, etc, you'll get notified of anything up and coming, including coupons, deals, giveaways and sales.  I am very pro-deal, sale and insider info, so this makes me happy.




and now, all of the Cons


Reconnecting.  For the most part, you stopped being friends with certain people for a reason.  Right?  Like that girl in 7th grade who told me my boobs were too big, that one who set me up for a lifetime of insecurities and feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.  Yeah, I still don't want to be her friend.


Awkward friend requests from people that I don't know, or barely know.  OMG, it is so uncomfortable when you get friended by someone that you don't know, or someone that you really don't want to know.  You just feel mean and awkward, and it mocks you, sitting there in your notification thing.  Your mean-ness becomes an in your face daily mockery.


Soapboxes.  Ugh, I hate this. I don't want to hear a rant on your political, religious or hot button issues.  I appreciate a good debate, I really do.  But, honestly, I'm not going to get into it on Facebook with you.  And it's a rare person who can sway my opinion on big issues anyway. 


Fight starters.  There just seem to be those people that thrive on drama.  It's like they lie in wait for a person to make the "wrong" comment about something and pounce.  So far I have been in one Facebook tiff, and man, it was frustrating.  I did not start it, but I think I ended it.  Jerk.


Lame or nonsensical updates every freaking hour.  Come on.  Nobody cares what you ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack every. single. day.  Not everybody wants to know everything.


Changing profile pictures of yourself every day, then commenting on how how ugly/bad/fat you look.  Why post the picture if you think you look like shit?  We all know why.  Because you want people to tell you that you look pretty.  Compliment whore.


Stalkers.  Freaks me out that people are looking too deeply into my life.   Or have the ability to.  Narcissistic much?


Time suck.  Good Cod you can spend hours and hours just checking out the lives of other people.  And trying to make your life look better to other people.


Being tagged in hideous pictures.  I love being the one behind the camera.    Because I know how basically impossible it is for me to look good in a picture.  You go into a party thinking you look like a princess, then later discover you really looked like an overdone asshole.  Thanks to the idiot that posted and tagged you in 50 awful pictures, the whole world gets to see that you looked like an overdone asshole.  As opposed to just the people who were actually at the party.


Trying to figure out all of the privacy settings so you are less stalkable.  Damn but they make it confusing to have some privacy on that thing.


All of the fucking changes they make as soon as you finally get used to the latest platform.  Need I say more?  Do I sound a little hostile?


Being defriended.  Well that just brings you right back to the days of getting kicked off the popular table in the lunchroom, doesn't it?


Hurt feelings.  It's hard to avoid the pictures of that great party you (just discovered you) weren't invited to, being that all of your friends seemed to have super fun party pics posted all over their pages.  Or you see an event that your kid got left out of.  Or nobody commented on that thing you thought was worthy of a comment.  Facebook opens up a whole new world of feeling left out/excluded.


And then, last week I wrote this little post about The 18 most annoying kinds of posts, which you can feel free to click on in case you missed it and are utterly intrigued by the title.


I'm leaving you with a clip from a funny post this guy wrote about the pros and cons of deleting your Facebook.  I have to share it with you because (a) I am very pro-pro and con lists, and (b) the whole article was damn funny.  You can thank me with your laughter.  And a raspberry daiquiri with whipped cream on top.  C'mon you know the drill.


"Pro: I will be an overall more productive person
Con: I will be a very bored productive person.


Pro: I will no longer have to read status updates from a girl in my high school about it being a beautiful day in Fresno today.
Con: I will no longer be able to laugh at status updates from a girl in my high school about it being a beautiful day in Fresno today.


Pro: I don’t know anything about my exes!
Con: I don’t know anything about my exes.


Pro: I will not have to field invitations from some event promoter about his party.
Con: I might miss an invite to an actual party I want to go to. And people won’t bother to tell me in person because they’ll assume I have a Facebook. OMG, we are just all technology’s bitch!


Pro: My family members on Facebook will no longer know about the times I get drunk and post a status update about it.
Con: There is absolutely no con to that.


Pro: I will no longer become unhealthily obsessed with people I don’t know.
Con: Strangers will no longer be able to get unhealthily obsessed with me.


Pro: I will have an air of mystery about me.
Con: People might forget that I exist."

the 18 worst kind of Facebook posts...

Well, what do you know?  Another list.  This one has been in the making for a while now, because Cod darn it it there are so many offensive status updates out there.  The only problem is, if we got rid of these types of posters, who would I have left to mock?

The 18 most annoying kinds of Facebook posts

1. Mysterious woe is me sympathy bait post.  I can't stand the posts where people are begging you to comment, to pooh pooh them, to pat them on the back, head, ass and placate them.  For example:  "Trying to be strong after everything that happened today..."

2. The "I'm so physically fit" posts.  You know, those posters who want to make you feel like a lazy slob.  "Just did 8.234 miles up hill and in the rain in under 45 minutes!  Next, taking out the bike for a quick spin around town, and I'll probably have just enough time for an hour of yoga when I get back.  Hit me up if you want to shoot some hoops later!"  Um, nah, I'll just watch you while I eat this bag of Cheetos...

3. Disgusting weird TMI posts.  I promise you that nobody wants to see your kid's latest diaper bomb, the hugest poop you ever took proudly photographed in your toilet, or your placenta.  Please trust me when I say that nobody cares what your kid shat.  For example:  "Check this out!  I'm not sure what just happened, but Little Bobby just left a poop bigger than my arm in the toilet!" Sure friend, you just wait there while we all collectively throw up in our mouths... 

4. The passive aggressive post.  To me, some of the most annoying kinds of posters of all.  For example:  "Don't you just hate it when certain people can't give you the time of day, but somehow find plenty of time to help their other "friends" all weekend long? Wow.  Just wow."  Dude, certain people don't give you the time of day because you are a whiney bitch.

5. The spoiler alert poster.  Ugh.  You know how you Tivo'd that final episode of the Biggest Loser, so you could watch it after dinner on the couch with a bowl of ice cream?  Somewhere, one of your friends will have already posted, "OMG I can't believe Danny just won!!  Doesn't he look fantastic?" 

6. The fucking idiot.  "Imma be realllz witchu bitchezz rite now aiiight?  Dis shiiiit be off da hizzzle.  Wooorrrdddd."  Um, Imma slap your face, moron.

7. The "I'm-so-great-please-envy-me" posts.  For example:  "Fiji sure looks great from the Penthouse suite!  Ordering room service, then off to get some sun on the yacht.  Life is great!"  Yay!

8. The cheesy quoter posters.  Oh gag me please.  "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it's meant to be..."  posted of course by a picture of some bird flying off into the sunset.

9. The poster who wants to be sure that you know he is down with the 2000s and understands text-ese.  For example:  "ROTFLMAO at Jane 2nite!  :) Don't 4get to BYOB to the party!  C U all L8R!"  We get it buddy.  You're hip.

10. The inspirational post.  From the guy that you just know has those successory posters framed and hanging all over his house, you'll get one of these types:  "Success is not measured in how many times you fall, but how many times you get up after you fall."  Or something like that.

11. Weather complaint posts.  Omg.  Weather changes.  Sometimes it's hot.   Sometimes it's cold.  And sometimes, it's just right!  We all get it.  In winter, they post:  "It's freezing!  I hate this state!"  then, same poster in the summer, "If we get one more day of 90 degree weather I swear I'm going to move to the North Pole!"

12. The obscure poster.  The kind of poster who is dying for you to ask what the fuck they are talking about with an update like,  "And so it is."  Yes, yes it is, douche.

13.  The Facebook fighter.  Those online fights that you'd see between a couple.  Mortifying train wrecks.  "So Darren thought it was appropriate to text his ex-girlfriend over the weekend, then decided to go out and get drunk with some buddies for 6 hours Monday night while I stayed home with the kids.  I live a great life.  Not!"  Please, nobody wants to know...

14.  The backhanded complimenter.  This is the kind of poster who ultimately wants to make you feel like shit, that guy who just can't be happy for you without trying to bring you down a snitch. "Wow Brian!  Congrats on the huge promotion!  Hard to believe you're the same guy who peed his pants every day in second grade! LOL!"

15.  That doofus who still posts in the third person.  "Jocelyn is tired and sick and really wishes she could just go home and crawl under the covers til tomorrow."  Facebook has changed.  Roll with it.

16.  The dramatic threatener.  You know you've seen these kind of posts: "I hate all of this petty bullshit.  I'm deleting my account."  And then of course, they don't.

17.  The misguided campaigner.  Those people that constantly post things like, "If you truly care about helping animals that are being abused, repost this as your status!"  No, you fuck.  A Facebook status update will not help abused animals.  If you want to help abused animals, volunteer at the nearest ASPCA.

18. The horrifying PDA posts.  Please, oh please.  Someone stop these people from procreating.  "My honey is the cutest, sweetest lover boy out there.  Dumpling pudding sugar pie baby-poo, I love you soooo much!  You'll always be my Boo!  <3 <3 <3  I could never live without you! xoxoxoxoxo MUAH!"  I've officially vomited.

So, I'm sure I will have annoyed some Facebook Offenders with this post.  Sorry!  I couldn't help it.  I may actually have been an offender myself at one point.  Maybe.  But probably not.  Definitely let me know if there are any irritating post/ers that I've missed!

Cover your eyes, this is only for women

Don't you hate it when you get your period and your husband is all like, "Ohhh... I get it... so that's why you've been so cranky."

And I'm all like, NO!  That is not why I have been so cranky!  I can't help it if every 26 days or so, people are stupid! 

I do think it's kind of funny (not funny haha, but funny coincidental) that every 26 days or so, someone ultimately does something that is annoying or irritating or that gets under my skin.  Maybe it's just that I have held it together for the past month, allowing all of the annoying and irritating stuff to slide, and on that 26th day I am finally sick of it and can't help but say something.  Or get snotty or cranky.  That makes way more sense.  Yeah.

It has nothing to do with my period.

I am going to keep a log to prove it.

I hate writing the words my period.  It sounds kind of gross.  From now on, I will refer to my period as "going on vacation," as my sister does.

So the next time I am snippy at my husband because he is being dumb, he can say, "Are you going on vacation?"  And I can say, "Yup."  and then he can say, "Ohhh... now I get it."  And he will pack my bags for me and leave them on the bathroom counter.  And he will know not to say anything dumb or irritating for the next few days while I am "away."

And if he wants to hook up, I can say, "Didn't you see my luggage (vacation paraphernalia) on the bathroom counter?  I am on vacation!"

Don't you hate when people say muchly?

That is a HUGE pet peeve-word.  One that makes me grind my teeth together.  Actually, to such a degree that I have a jaw that pops out of joint with every bite I take.  But anyway.


When someone says, "Thanks muchly!"  I have the urge to smack.  Or at the very least lash out verbally.  But I hold it together and clench my jaw and smile.  Maybe even say, "You're welcome!"


Because I am all controlled and polite like that.


The thing is, MUCHLY isn't a word.  It isn't even a word!  So please don't say it all cheerful-ish!  Just don't even say it!  Everyone gets your sincerity when you just say, "Thanks!"  I promise.  There is no need to accentuate it with a fake word.  A fake word that is dumb even.  Until I see it in Websters, I will not recognize it.  Probably I will not recognize it then even, because it really is that irritating.


If only for my sanity.  And my jaw.  Please don't say it.  It's just not right.