Arianna Huffington and a mini meltdown

I really better get some interesting content on here or I might lose all one reader that I have. (Hi mom!)

I have been so sporadic with posting. Let's be frank.  I know this.  You know this.  We all know this.

(Before I continue I have to say that I love saying, 'Lets be Frank.' It's such a funny sounding thing to me for no good reason. I just thought you should know that.) I guess I don't think it's too unusual to go through a kind of writing slump.  Sometimes you might feel like you just don't have anything interesting to talk about.  Sometimes you might just feel like nobody is interested anyway.  Sometimes, you need to re-evaluate your purpose.

That sounds very life-altering. 

Speaking of writing, such a super cool thing happened, that didn't actually end up happening.  OK, that sounds weird, let me explain.

So I submitted something to Huffington Post on a whim, and ARIANNA HUFFINGTON emailed me and said that she wanted to print it!!  Can you believe that??  Maybe I am being a little googly-eyed, but I thought it was so awesome.

But then I pretty much freaked out. I asked her if I could post anonymously, because what I wrote is kind of sensitive and I guess I'm not really prepared to attach my name to it at this point. But I know it was relevant, and should probably be heard.

She responded and said that Huffington Post doesn't post anonymously. So that stinks because I really couldn't go ahead and post it because I am mental, among other things.

But anyway, now you know that you can't post anonymously on Huffington Post, in case you were wondering.

But guys! She liked what I wrote!

So at least that was good, and kind of validating.  So maybe I will submit some other non-panic-inducing writing at some point, because HuffPo! I did get invited to their contributor platform, so I'm a little bit proud of that too.

So even though this is a lowly little blog, and pretty much nobody even notices that it exists, I might be able to write sort of OK, and maybe I don't suck. Maybe. 

blog cheating and stuff

One of my pre-resolutions is going to be getting back to the blogging thing.  Because whatever, I just feel like writing stuff.  Even if it is boring, or doesn't have any relevance.  

I have something to admit.  

I've actually been writing on another blog for a while.  Ugh, I know.  I'm ashamed.  I'm sorry!  I jumped ship here and started fresh somewhere else because I was thinking maybe it would be easier and you know, who knows if it is or not, but I kind of feel guilty and I should probably ditch that other blog.  I promise there is no great amazing content that you would care about or miss or anything.  It's just pretty much lame old, same old me.

I have noticed that I seriously only wrote four posts on this blog this year.  FOUR.  None of them were important or great or exciting.  Mostly they were about the fact that I hadn't written.  Which was obvious.  I suppose I didn't really need to point that out.

I've been re-reading the posts of the past and it's so obvious to me, that I was struggling.  I see where I went from being generally happy, generally normal, regular me to sad and erratic and scattered and pensive and like, downdowndown.  I don't know if anyone else would pick up on the subtle change, but I did, like, immediately.  I was reading along and I was like, ohhh.

Kind of like watching a train wreck.  You know it's going to be really shitty for a while but it's hard to look away.

Anyway, I think that the struggling part is getting better.  I'm more clear headed.  I'm a little harder, I think.  I still have a lot of stuff to say.  Because let's face it, we all know I am windy like that.  I was still windy when I was feeling all dark and moody and broody, but I just kept it to my own self.  I couldn't spew here.  I have so many angsty draft posts that will never see the light of day.  But writing stuff helped, even if it was only for getting it out of my cluttered head.

You know how Facebook is actually really more like "Fakebook?"  Like mostly people project their best selves because they want all of the people in their world to think that have it all together, all of the time.  Nobody posts about how their dog smells slightly like a skunk and their kid was exposed to lice and that they feel like a fatass.  I mean, nobody really posts those kind of things, right?  It's more like, "I went to the Farmer's Market!  I eat only organic! I bought sunflowers today! See the pretty sunflowers!  They are on my cute little farm table with the sun beam shining on them with perfection!  My life is great all of the time! Yay!"

But we all know that's not real life, right?  We all know that Facebook is like an alternate reality, right?

I'm an offender. Mostly I keep shitty stuff to myself, because you know, I can manage my own stuff. And I don't need anyone looking at me like, aw poor you. And also because who else really cares about the skunky dog and frantic delousing of a kid who actually has no sign of lice but I have to frantically delouse anyway because ugh. Who wants a bug?? Not me!

Well so anyway, I'm not making any promises of tons of fabulous, regular posts, because lets face it. We've all heard that shit before. But I think I'll hop on here again, and try to write stuff. Because why not?  Maybe it'll actually happen this time.

and THIS is why I can't maintain a blog

So it's 2:17 in the afternoon and I didn't take a shower or brush my teeth and there is a half of a cup of coffee on the table next to me, just all cold and sitting there.  I think that I forgot to eat breakfast and lunch.

I'm pretty sure I might have to pee but I'm currently mushed in that "semi-permanent couch indentation that occurs after sitting for a shit-ton of hours in the same spot on the couch" indentation.

I am in this position solely because I was thinking I should start to be a good blogger again, so I got on my computer at like 10 am-ish or something ridiculous like that and then I accidentally never got up.  Because Internet!  I mean, there's so much to do on here!  Sheesh, I almost forgot.

Then I was on pinterest looking at recipes and I found approximately 897 thousand things that I would like to make for lunch, so I pinned them all on my "THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE FOR LUNCH" board,  but of course I never actually made them.  I just gazed longingly at Avocado and Spicy Goat Cheese Tacos and Smoky Sweet Potato Burgers w/ Roasted Garlic Cream & Avocado (I really like avocados) and continuously moved on to the next fabulous food-thing to pin.  For four hours.

Then I moved on to things that I could make for dinner, except I can't make them because I didn't get my ass showered so I could go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the things to make for dinner.  

So now I have just under 59 tabs open on my computer and I am so confused.  Do I shower?  Do I throw together a shitty lunch?  Brush my grimy teeth?  Maybe attempt to get to the store before I have to get the kids from school?  Eat a Twix???  I don't even know!!!

This is shameful guys.  I actually can't believe that I am confessing this behavior to all of you zero readers out there.

Hey, remember that time that I said I'm back in it to win it?

Do you?

Hopefully not, because apparently I lied.  Because I thought I was going to be back in it to win it but then I wasn't.  Back.  In it to win it, I mean.

In other words, I really only had a few more posts after those bold words before life got busier, and I got lazy and kind of forgot that I was re-committing to blogging.

But really, for real, I actually have been kind of busy!  I know, right?  I'm not sure if its just the time of year, or if like, I am just finding more stuff to do to keep me occupied.

I've been trying not to live for unattainable moments that aren't mine anyway.

I've been trying to get myself back in to real life more, stepping away from this plastic www world.  I've been saying goodbye to ghosts that have wounded me.  I've been leaving things behind, letting things go, living in the moment.  I've been trying to "get" it.  I'm trying not to be a sad, moody brooder.  I've been smiling and stuff.

So yay for that, right?  I guess?

ANYway, I have an awesome Christmas tree in my family room right now and it is all twinkly and yummy smelling and it kind of feels like I am sitting in a deep and quiet forest.  I kind of love sitting in a deep and quiet forest.

Did you like how I changed the subject there?  I moved right along.

Because that's what I do these days.  I move right along.

Wanna come with me?