Overshooting the gap, Dell Griffith & remote control hysteria

I consider it a personal accomplishment when I time the fast forwarding of a commercial perfectly. Does that make me weird?

Wait. Don't answer that.

But seriously though, doesn't it just make everything seem like it's right in the world, when you are holding down that fast forward button, and you ever so slightly release... til BOOM. You hit the nail on the head and you've completely skipped the commercials, timing it with utter perfection.  Because who watches commercials anymore anyway?  What are we, animals??

Even though I am almost always the picker of the TV lineup for the night, my husband is the remote control holder. I allow that He's the remote control holder mostly because I can't see the buttons with my naked eye, and consistently fuck up the touching of the buttons.  If I don't have my reading glasses on, they all look the same and DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD MAKE REMOTE CONTROLS WITH BIG FAT BUTTONS FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE PARTIALLY BLIND??

Those caps weren't an accident.  I was slightly hysterical there. Sorry.

So anyway, if for some odd reason I have the remote control, it's bound to happen.  I go overboard.  Last night we were watching a DVR'd episode of Survivor, and Alex was watching/working, so I happened to have control of the control.  So a commercial comes on, like they often do in such an annoying fashion, and I started fast forwarding. But I accidentally was backwards fast forwarding.

So of course Alex happened to glance up just as I was messing up, and he's like Hon, you're going the wrong way!

So I glanced over at him and made the gesture that Dell Griffith (John Candy) makes at Neil Page (Steve Martin) in that scene of Planes, Trains and Automobiles - you know the one where they are going the wrong way in the car on the highway and the other car sees them going the wrong way, so the couple in the other car furiously tries to get their attention and screams out the window, "YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!" and then Dell Griffith acts like they're pretty much dumb and drunk, and pretends to be drinking? And then toots his horn?

Well if you don't know that scene, or God help us all, that movie, you should really watch it because, Dell Griffith! (American Light and Fixture -- Director of sales, Shower Curtain Ring Division) And also, it's really funny! One of my top ten all time faves, even. And because I'm super nice, I will include a YouTube clip at the end of this post for your viewing pleasure. If you can make it through the stupid 30 second advertisement, you should watch it. Also, isn't it ironic that in order to see the clip you have to watch an advertisement when this whole post is basically about fast forwarding through those stupid things?

ANYway, I made that gesture because that's what we do when someone says "you're going the wrong way."

Then I fumbled around on the remote control and miraculously hit the right button, sending us careening will-nilly into the commercials. (Incidentally, isn't willy-nilly a funny word? And who came up with that anyway? And why? Why did they come up with it?)

So then Alex is suddenly all paying attention and says, Slow down! You're going too fast!  You're going to overshoot the gap!

And I'm all, I'm not, I'm not! I have this! Because I can do it! I'm not a moron! I know what button to press!

But really, I couldn't find the right button, because those dumbass things are kind of small and they all sort of just melt together, especially when you're under a lot of pressure.  So while I was frantically pressing buttons, I made it go even faster, accidentally.

So then Alex is all, You're going to overshoot! Oh yup, there it is. Yes, you did. You overshot the gap. Just let me do it!

Because at that point, now we can see what's happening in the next scene of the show and it'll be all anticlimactic and that's my worst thing.  So I toss the remote at him sheepishly.

And he looks at me like he's a little embarrassed for me, smoothly bringing us to the just right spot with one press of a button.

So I scowl into my ice cream.

And I repeat, DON'T YOU THINK THEY SHOULD MAKE REMOTE CONTROLS WITH BIG FAT BUTTONS FOR THOSE OF US WHO ARE PARTIALLY BLIND??

oh my cod i put a jinx on modern family

This was the first email I found in my inbox this morning:

Can you please take Cameron out of your pocket, divorce Gloria's voice, leave Phil Dunphy alone and stop blogging about Modern Family.

When I say I want you to stop jinxing the show I mean it.... Or I will poke your eyes out!
The show has been great every week and then you blog about it and it stunk.

John


Well.  Number one, John actually read one of my posts and felt it worthy of some sort of response!  But number two, Oh my Cod I may have jinxed Modern Family.

 

My BIL John's email was referring to this post, when I spewed my love of all things Modern.  I actually thought the same exact thing last night as I sat on my couch watching it.  Because really, I typically laugh approximately 11-15 times every 15 minutes or so, and the laugh factor was not nearly as high last night.  I maybe only laughed a few times.

It must have been an off night for Cam, Phil and Gloria.  It has to be that.  I can't take one off night and just throw the whole family out of my line up.  That would be a crime.  I can't just let one lack luster performance make me break up with them forever (however, I may have done that in the past.  But that is the kind of post you might not want your mother to read).

And Kristina P, I know that I totally used all of my Wonder Twin powers to convince you to try out the show, but please excuse last night.  It isn't reflective of their usual comedic genius.  I know it sounds like I am just making excuses for Cam, Phil and Gloria, really I do.  Just, if you watched last night, you have to give them another chance.

Just one more chance.  I've forgiven them already.

There comes a time

There comes a time in every couple's marriage, when you have to answer a very important question.

And that question is: Is there room in your life for a new television show/series?

I mean, my DVR(s) can only handle so much.  And there really is only so much couple-time in a day to devote to television watching.

For the most part, our allotted time is 3 hours.  That's what we have.  And if nothing that we like is on, then we just do our own things.  Like Alex will play Klondike on his end of the couch and I will read blogs and the news on my end of the couch.

On a side note, what if Alex tried to get on my side?  I mean, what if he just took my spot on the couch?  It would be like just as weird as if all of a sudden your husband got in bed on your side.  And went to sleep there, leaving you to gaze with uncertainty at his side.  Who would do that?? I don't know how I would feel about that.

Well, yes I do.  I would feel very weird about changing it up.

My TV is not on at all during the day.  I can't stand to have it on and I don't like daytime TV.  Well, I love Ellen and would try to make a strong effort to be her secret girlfriend if I was gay, but other than that, I don't care about daytime TV.   I do, however, really love my night time shows.

And I have been considering adding another show or two to the lineup.  Like on Mondays, we only watch House.  That's it.  Wednesdays and Thursdays and Sundays are definitely overbooked, but Fridays (and Saturdays for that matter) we have nothing at all that we watch.

Any suggestions?