welcome to my brain.

Sometimes a lot of weird stuff gently floats along in my brain. Usually I keep those random thoughts and observations to myself because I like to keep up the illusion that I'm kind of normal, but I am feeling a little filterless today.

So, 

Don't you think it would be awesome if someone started a line of opposite products?  Like you know how they have SmartWater?  Someone should make DumbWater.  I think it could be really a big seller.  Or instead of North Face, they could have South Face.  Or like Jessica Alba has a line of organic and healthy products from the Honest Co, I think someone should make the Liars Co.  They could sell shitty stuff with MSG and red dye in them.

Receptionists should probably actually be called Deceptionists, because they often have to lie and say that their boss isn't available when they really are, but they just don't want to talk to you because you're boring. Or something like that.

Are Bert and Ernie really gay?  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

What's the opposite of FML?

You know how apparently people are using the eggplant emoji in reference to a guy's size in the pants?  If that's the case, don't you think that they should have a baby carrot emoji for the guys that are unfortunately less endowed?

I think most call centers should start their recordings with "Press One for Stupid."  Things might be a little more streamlined if you just admitted it in the beginning.

I always thought you could grow your nose holes, but apparently you can't! I think they stay the same forever.  Ears too!

Did you know that "Netflix and chill" is apparently the new(ish) code for "hookup?" So if you asked your kid what he and his girlfriend did last night and he says, "Oh, we just watched Netflix and chilled," you should probably buy him a box of condoms.

confession

I had a few Type-A characteristics for almost ever a while.  I needed everything to be perfect, from the cupcakes that I brought in for the kindergarten Christmas party to the perfect, neat clothing and hair that my kids had to have when they left the house.  And the house, I had to have my house look just right - messes and chaos made me a little crazy inside, so when the kids went to bed, I had to thoroughly clean any mess in the house, you know, like toys and things that kids tend to spread all over the place during the space of a day.  I made sure everything was picked up just right for when my husband got home.  I vacuumed.  Every night.  That actually sounds a little OCD now that I think of it.   I don't think I was OCD.  I mean, I didn't flip out if things weren't perfect, but I just didn't want to be imperfect.  I didn't want it to ever look like I didn't have it all together.

So you know, that's a lot of pressure.  Feeling the need to be perfect, and have everything around me just so is just exhausting.  I remember right after I had Brooke, one of my sisters did something really nice for me.  I had been feeling overwhelmed - fourth kid, hurting and recovering from an unplanned c-section, just wiped out in general.  And I had these stupid swollen feet that were so painful and wouldn't go away.  Things were not perfect.  And there were a lot of dust balls on my stairs.  I never would have had dust balls.  And certainly never if anyone was coming over.  But she saw them so she tracked down a rag and cleaned them for me.

Well, most people would just appreciate that.  Most people would feel all grateful and thankful.  And though I was so grateful and thankful and appreciative, I was also inwardly horrified that someone (even my sister) came to my house and felt the need to clean something that I couldn't or didn't do.  My house was my job.  Brand new baby, swollen feet and hurt belly shouldn't matter.  The fact that someone might think that I didn't have it all together, that I needed help with something that I should have had done was like, awful to me.  I hate/d asking for help.                                                                                                                                              

It takes a lot for me to ask for help from anyone.  Even my husband.  Like, it's hard for me to drag the big ladder out to change light bulbs, so sometimes I'll begrudgingly ask him to do it.  It's hard, but not because I can't do it, only because I have a really bad back, and it hurts me.  Like, physically.  Bad.  He'd scrub the tub for me because that was one thing that would have me in pain for an entire day/night, and I hated it. I mean, I love that he would help me because he didn't want me to be hurting, but I hated feeling like I needed to depend on someone for something.

I hatehatehate feeling like I need someone.  Want and need are different.  Love and need are different.  Like and need are different.  Because need means that I can't do it myself.  It would take so much for me to utter the words "I need you," in any way.  

Yow.  What a vulnerable feeling.  I have a massive aversion to being vulnerable.

I am way less Type-A these days.  I believe that I am semi-reformed.  I'll get into the whys and hows some other time, but I am happy to say that I have let go a bit of the need to be perfect, to have everything around me just so.  I hardly even make my kids wear matching outfits for holidays! And I hired a cleaning lady, and she scrubs the tubs and changes the light bulbs!  It feels much better this way.  Really.  I definitely like a pretty presentable house, but I feel way less pressure to have it super presentable all day, every day.  

It's kind of nice to have the weight of the pressure that I put on myself off of my shoulders.  

Close talkers make me very uncomfortable

I think I am warm and loving and engaged when I am in conversation.  But I just can't handle when someone gets in my personal space.  Close talkers make me very uncomfortable.

I mean, if I can see your uvula, you're too close to me.  If I can see your nose hairs, you are too close to me.  If I can see your ear wax, you are definitely too close to me.

What makes a person think that they can get all up in your mug and you'll be OK with that?  Seriously, isn't it uncomfortable for them too?

I have breath anxiety.  I am very concerned that if I have bad breath and someone is a close talker then they will walk away and think, she must have had a shit sandwich for lunch.  That's my nightmare.  That someone would think that I had a shit sandwich.

It's also my nightmare that someone with their own shit sandwich breath would be a close talker to me.  I can't take bad breath in my airspace.  It makes me gag a little.  Then I have to talk with my nose plugged from the inside.  You know, plugging your nose without actually touching your nose.  

Also, if someone is a close talker I feel like it's very hard to make lingering eye contact.  I find myself focusing on someone's teeth, or their earlobes or that tiny little scar under their eyebrow.  And if I am not making eye contact, maybe they are thinking that I am rude and not paying attention.  When in all actuality, I am just not digging the fact that I can feel their breath on my skin.

If we were in a club, and we were all off in a corner somewhere having a deep  conversation and it was really hard to hear, then that is an instance where being a close talker would be OK with me. I mean, you practically have to be mouth to ear to hear over the noise of a hopping club anyway.

Incidentally, I haven't been to a hopping club in a really long time.

I want.

I want a few things. Not just one. A few. First, I want there really to be a vampire like Edward. Oh RELAX.  I know! I know!! Edward and Twilight and vampires are so last year. But I can’t help it. I wouldn’t be into the bloodsucking though because that’s just gross.

Also, I want a bunch of chickens – running around deep in my backyard so they don’t bug me, but they lay a lot of eggs so I can just go out to my yard and pick them up and eat them without having to pay anything, and knowing that they are clean(ish) and not injected with all sorts of gross stuff. Which brings me to wanting a great garden, without having to actually do the gardening part. For all of the reasons of the chicken except the egg part. And I would take a cow for the same reason but I think I would feel too guilty to kill it and eat it so it would turn into a pet cow and then I might have to name it something all cute, like… Mister Moo or something. And while I am being all earthy and stuff, I definitely want a windmill.  That crap would be the bomb.  Not just because of the green-ness of it all, but also because I hate my electric bill and I think electric companies are a racket.  And finally, I want a craft room. And an upstairs vacuum, and a black Labradoodle and definitely a really good but easy to use camera. With a zoom. And knitting. I want that too. I want to be a knitter. And a sewer. NOT a SEWER but a SEW-er. Like, a person who can sew!! Just to clarify. Because who would want to BE a sewer?? Nobody would. Because there there would be far too much poop and chemicals involved. Anyway. That’s all I could come up with on such short notice.

Oh yeah!! I forgot one thing!! I want a pool that has its own tube slide thing that goes far and fast, like at a water park. I hate water parks because I hate getting in a bathing suit in public and I hate the thought of germs and people peeing in the pool and swimming in some random person’s pee and germs. Because the thought of that makes my skin crawl.  So yeah. I want one of those. But it has to be huge, otherwise the ride is too short and the effort to climb back up for another ride would just be exhausting.  Unless of course there was an elevator involved.  An escalator would be better though, because my sister is neurotic scared of elevators and confined spaces and it would be less fun if my sister couldn't come over and go down my slide with me.

(That is not me.  I know this because I have a bigger boob.  And I don't have a monkey.)

Fine. I’ll take a cute monkey that is little like a baby and wears baby clothes and a diaper too (is that weird?). But definitely not the kind that gets all scary and violent and rips your face off.  And I would teach it sign language so we could communicate.  And possibly a dolphin in my (water slide) pool. Except it would have to be able to do cool tricks. Which would probably mean a trainer. So then I’d have to have a guest house too because the trainer is definitely NOT sleeping in my house. I hate sleepovers. I would make an exception if the dolphin trainer was Edward Cullen. And then he could sleep in my bed. With me, of course.  Alex wouldn't even mind because Edward is my new free kiss.

So I think I've pretty much covered everything.  Except a cleaning lady and a personal chef (only if he would wear a chef hat the whole time he was cooking though).  And a driver and personal trainer.  Shoot.  Somebody stop me.  This I want thing is getting out of hand.  So what do you want?

ps.  You can all blame the Bloggess for this long-winded and self serving post.  It all started with me commenting on her post about insomnia.  And weird wants.  But I'm pretty sure her readers are way more freaky than you guys.