what my kid just said v.2

"It smells like a skunk pooped his pants in here!"
-Brooke, age 8

Apparently, something smelled bad...

things I am scared of. don't tell anyone.

I like to consider myself a tough girl.  I mean, I've been through enough stuff to feel like like I can take a lot.  But I do have plenty of fears, things that scare me.  About all sorts of things.  I might not show it outwardly, because I'm not shaking in my boots in front of anyone.  I know the irrational fears may be a snitch far-fetched, but I can't help it. 

I have a bunch of unusual fears and one is passing tractor trailers in the rain. I've had this fear ever since I could drive on the highway.  I inwardly panic. It’s not pretty.  But those freaking huge trucks splash a crap load of stuff on your windshield so you are momentarily blinded and could potentially go off the road and die a fiery death! I think that’s a pretty rational fear!  Also, I am positive that one of my kids is going to fall out of the car while I am driving on the highway. I have had many a mental freak out over the thought, and have had to actually pull over to just take a minute to chill out. Cod help me if someone opens a window in the backseat, because the sound of the window opening, like just the noise of the rushing air, would make me almost throw up – to me it sounds like the car door opening.  Is that weird? 

I am irrationally afraid of swimming in the deep end in the dark (did you ever read that short story by Stephen King about the oil slick??!!  It definitely took away my ability to ever skinny dip in the dark, (thanks a lot SK).  I'm also irrationally afraid of shark attacks. I am positive I got attacked by a shark in Mexico when I was 16. I didn’t have the actual wounds to prove it, but I KNOW it happened.  So I get super nervous swimming in the ocean, and feel like I am constantly scanning the horizon for misc fins.  Those sneaky sharks can practically come right up to the beach!!  And I know they want to take a bite of my meaty leg.

I am rationally afraid of the book American Psycho by Brett Easton Ellis and the picture of the guy on the cover. I had to hide that book from myself because it scared me so much. Freaking insane, sick book. Not in a good way either. I beg you not to attempt to read it.  I realize mentioning it in such a manner might just make you curious, which is pretty much why I bought it and read it in the first place, but it was a huge mistake.  I am not even kidding guys.  I remember when I bought it, I had to request it, and they brought it out from the back room covered in brown paper.  Like, it was so bad.  I definitely threw it away when I was done.  I felt like, sick having read it.

Some odd food fears:  biting into a rotten tomato, biting into an apple and seeing a worm, or even worse - 1/2 of a worm.  Oh em gee.  And I totally can't stand the thought of accidentally eating raw chicken, ew.  I feel like gagging right now.

I am also afraid of pulling one of my kids limbs out of their socket.  Which actually happened once, to my poor little Meg.  She was about 3 and we were at Gymnastics, and she was doing that thing where she would walk up my legs while I held her hands and she'd flip over.  I was totally distracted talking to someone while she was doing it, but all of a sudden, she let out a huge, pain-scream.  And Megan has always been a super mild kid - not dramatic at all.  She literally full on screamed, the entire way to the hospital, not a cry, but a scream.  And her arm from the elbow down was just hanging there.  Ugh, it was awful.  I was so grateful they took her right in, and as soon as the doctor pulled it back into place (gross sounding but took about 1/10th of a second), she looked at me and smiled and said, "That feels so much better!"  In her little baby voice with tears all over her face.  It totally traumatized me.  

My fears aren't necessarily run of the mill - scared of spider-type fears.  Because I was a single mom for a long time, I had to deal with spiders and bad guys and the dark and all of that scary stuff on my own at a young age - I didn't have a guy there to smack the spider for me.  But I did sleep with a hammer under my pillow.  Not sure how I would actually defend myself with a hammer -- I guess I figured I could hammer the bad guy into submission? 

My BIL John, who isn't really a scaredy cat at all, is terrified of snakes.  He screams like a girl if he even thinks he saw one.  It's really funny.  I always picture him like one of those 50's housewives screaming on the chair in the kitchen because a little mouse ran through.  Incidentally, those housewives always wore cute aprons.  And had perfect hair and makeup.

I never wear an apron.  And my hair and makeup is pretty average.  Maybe I should wear an apron.  Hmph.

funny signs

Uh, sorry... already happened.

Good thinking there, Mr. Sign Maker

LOL

No, thank YOU.

I like this church of no clothes thing...

Or you will die?

"LOL." -Netflix.  Hilarious.

Yes, please.  Please don't lick the walls?? Really?

Hm.  I just don't know how to respond.

Get  your boots and shoes repaired WHILE we cut your hair... seems legit.

Oh wow, it isn't there, is it?  Thanks for clarifying...

five favorites food type things

Maybe on Fridays I will do a list of five.  Five whatevers.  I'll need suggestions.  But since I am currently thinking about food, and wishing I could just have a handful of powerberries, I will do a list about my five favorite food type things.  

I did mention that I am a list-aholic, right?  I love lists.  Sorry.  I should start a List Lovers Annoymous.  Wanna join?

1. Avocado.  Honestly, I could eat an entire avocado every day with no problem whatsoever.  

2. Goat cheese.  I really love cheese.  I'm a cheese fan.  But something about goat cheese just makes me so happy.  I have this little kit to make my own.  It's really good with so many things...

3. Butter Crunch.  This is newly discovered, and GD amazing.  I'm in freaking love.  I basically need a heaping spoonful of this to make me happy.  It's like Paxil!!  In a jar!

4. Powerberries.  Ok, these are awesome.  And addictive.  In order to not overeat these, I have to pour myself 1/4 cup in a bowl, and just take my time savoring each little piece of chocolately goodness. 

5. Dunkin' Donuts Hot Cocoa.  In a k-cup, particularly.  So good.  Nothing compares at this point.  Apparently, their K-Cups are seasonal??  Who knew??  When I found out, I drove to as many Dunkins as I could to stock up.  I am down to my last few and I am so sad.  Wah.

more words that blogger doesn't recognize v2

A while back I posted a bunch of words that that asshole blogger spellcheck doesn't recognize as words.  Of course I continue to add to the list as I come across other non-word words, because obviously.

Shitstorm -- I'm not questioning that blogger spellcheck tries to make this two words instead of a compound word - just questioning that it suggests I type the word "shortstop" instead.

Facebook -- That's just silly.  Facebook is as common as "and."  Pretty much everyone in the free world uses it.  And probably aliens too.  It's that cool, apparently.

Defriended - This goes along with the Facebook issue, of course.

Friended - and again with the Facebook.

Doozie -- Come on, really?  Everyone knows that was a doozie.

TMI - Acronyms are the future!  Get with the program, blogger.

Texting -  Testing?  Exiting?  Both words that blogger things I should change "texting" to.  Pretty sure "texting" has been going on for at least a decade now...

LOL - lolz?  Laughing.  Out loud even.  It's textese... let's go Blogger.

Textese - grr, blogger spellcheck is stressing me out.

Doofus - I'm positive doofus is a word.  I used to use it all the time.  In junior high.

PDA - Another great acronym that we all should be aware of.  Public Display of Affection.  We weren't allowed in high school or Mrs. Scott would smack us away from each other with a ruler.  No kissing in the halls!

Stalkable and stalkerish - In reference to stalkers.  Like, she's so stalkable, and he is so stalkerish?  Totally words.

wtf - Really?  WTF Blogger.

Scaredy - as in cat?

Skanky - as in ho?

Sucky - come on!

I'm pregnant! Or am I? Haha, April fools?

OK, imagine how great it would be if you were really pregnant and you waited til April Fools Day to make your big announcement?  Just so everyone would have to keep guessing for the next several months?  They would finally know you weren't playing a prank on them when you show up one day with a little babe in your backpack.

OK, so maybe not in your backpack.  What are those things called that you carry your baby on your bod?  I don't know... I never really used them.  Snugglies?  Snuggies?  I forget!  I'm too lazy to google.  You know what I mean!

So fine, I'm not pregnant.  (or am I?)  But you weren't sure, were you??  You were sitting there guessing, weren't ya?

If I attempted to have a baby right now, poor little one would have some seriously old siblings (and parents, actually).  Then of course I might have to go ahead and actually have two in a row because it might be a little lonesome being all little with no siblings its age.  Aw.

I think my worst part, besides inoculations, would be the crappy sleep.  I love my current crappy sleep.  I'm really used to it.  When I had Brooke I forgot about how annoying sleep disturbances are.  It was so shocking when I had to wake up every few hours and stumble around with my eyes half closed preparing formula.  And man, the piercing cry of a hungry baby can be enough to make you want to poke your own eyeball out with a sharp object.  And unfortunately, there are no sharp objects readily handy when you have a screaming babe in your arms.  I wonder if you could poke your eyeball out with a nose plunger.  What are those things called?  Nose suckers?  You know, the things you get in the hospital that suck the gunk out of your baby's nose?  I never once used one of those, if you were wondering.

Jeez, I really have forgotten all of these things!  I'm old!  My baby is 8!!  Holy shit.  My baby is really 8 AND A HALF years old...

You know, I hemmed and hawed about getting a puppy forever because all I was thinking about was crying puppy, poop on the floor, chewing my shoes... and guess what?  My puppy really never did any of those things.  Maybe an occasional poop on the floor til she was fully trained, but she never cried in the night, not even once, and she never chewed.  She was only very mildly annoying.  I mean, her poop on the floor was about the size of an earthworm, and that's not so offensive.  And now, I really like her.  It probably helps that she thinks I am the best thing that ever walked the face of the Earth.

Maybe the little things that I think would be annoying an adjustment with a new baby would actually be great.  Like, maybe it would be a silent baby who didn't like waking up in the night.  Or if it did, maybe it would be all, just feed my belly quick so we can get this over with and get back to our snuggley sleep, mom.  And maybe it would barely poop.  Maybe poop up the back when you are on your way out the door would never happen!  Eh.  It would happen.  It always happens.

I'm not sure why I am even discussing this.  I'm way too old for new babies.

Or am I?

your friend request was totally unacceptable!

I know Facebook has been out there for like, 10 years or so but I'm still kind of feeling my way.  I know, I know!  But it takes me a while!  Sheesh.  How can you help it though when the Facebook peeps find the need to change things pretty much right about when you finally feel like you have a handle on it?  

I actually kind of get a kick out of watching people lose their shit over changes on Facebook.  I'm not one of those people, in case you were wondering. I try to roll with it. Changes happen!  It's social media guys, not like, something really important, right?

So anyway, my issue is with the most random of random people friend requesting you. I just don't get it. I grasp the spammer type request - like everyone seems to get the occasional friend request from that incredibly unrealistic hot person who has like, one photo, who just joined Facebook yesterday and has 297 completely random friends from all over the place, right?  I have no trouble denying that faux-hot spammer who really wants to be my friend. 

I just find it so uncomfortable being on the receiving end when someone I met once at a college party in like, 1987 (who for what it's worth was kind of cute back in the day) requests to be my pal. Because like, why? Why do you want to be my friend? Curiosity? How come you even remember my name?  Did we share a magical moment and I forgot about it?  Ugh.

I can't stand denying someone because it makes me feel all like a mean girl who is like, "No you can not sit at my lunch table!  Go away, loser!"  I really try to be a nice person but I don't want someone that I totally don't know potentially perusing my pics and things.  I mean, maybe they just want to reach out.  Maybe they just want to say what up.  Like, ok?  But I don't even know you.

I've had random townies request me.  People I know of, and some that I really don't.  Some people I recognize as having mutual friends, so maybe we've met before?  But still, I really really don't like thinking about them checking out personal pics of my kids!  

I also had a weirdo stalker lady friend request me and Facebook message me a few times.  And I had to forward that info to my parents (heh, that makes me sounds like a little kid), because it's a person who is kind of stalking my family, and they're working with the police about it.  So that was weird.

And also, the very few people that I have accepted that I don't exactly know never even comment on things or like things or message me - like they basically don't interact with me at all.  So like, are they just watching me like a peeper??  Isn't that kind of creepy??  OK now I feel a little skin crawly and I might actually go delete some people.

I don't know, how do you guys deal with that stuff?  Am I just a weirdo overthinking things, as I usually do?

what my kid just said v1

"I mean, I'd like to consider myself Switzerland and not get involved, but don't get me wrong, I will talk about both of you behind your backs."  Megan, age 12

This comment was regarding who's side she was on in my son's recent groundation from his new car.  When he just got his driver's license two weeks ago.  He thinks I'm being excessive.  I think he's damn lucky I didn't knock his block off and take away his damn car.  And Megan is Switzerland.

me and my funny kid, Meg

the last word, v14

People Magazine has this feature thing on the last page of their magazine.  On the last page, they have a feature called the last word (so clever!) where a celebrity answers a few questions on some of the last things they've done.  So even though I'm not a celebrity or anything (wait. what?!), I'm going to go ahead and answer the questions.  Because, why not?

The last thing I borrowed was hm.  My mom's nail polish remover?  I can't even think of the last time I borrowed something other than that!  I guess I'm not much of a borrower.  I had black chippy nail polish on, and we were going to church...(I know!  Right?)  I was kind of feeling like maybe it wouldn't go over too well with the old ladies. 

The last book I read was well, I'm still reading it actually.  I just started Allegient, the third book of the Divergent trilogy.  I bought it the day it came out, but I let Megan read it first, because we were both reading the series so we could chat about it.  Then like, the next day, after obsessively reading it, she stamped down the stairs and threw the book and had a minor meltdown because she was so mad about the ending.  I did not let her tell me what happened, but I've avoided reading it all of this time because I don't want to be so upset! 

The last text I received was, "I'm not the one who grounded me!" from my son.  It was about him not having a ride somewhere, because I grounded him from his car for two weeks.  Which was very deserved.  That's all I will say about that.  For now.

The last girls night I had was actually last week, when I met up with a few girl friends from high school for drinks and apps at this place I'd never been to before.  It was SO good.  I had these batter fried green beans (good food choices, holla!) with a horseradish dipping sauce.  Mmmmm.  My mouth just watered even.  It was nice to have a few hours to yap and laugh though, and one of the girls I literally haven't seen in person since like the last days of 11th grade.  That's a damn long time.  And she sort of looks like she hasn't aged.  Day-um.  It was also pretty nice to eat those deep fried beans beans from heaven. 

The last sunburn I had was like, two days ago.  I still have it a little even :).  I was floating in my mom's pool in West Palm Beach for several hours.  Just floating in the sun, talking and hanging and relaxing  (have I ever mentioned that I could probably be a professional olympic-grade floater?).  It was so nice and relaxing in fact, that I forgot to put on sunscreen.  I also forgot to take of my second brand new fitbit, and wore it in the drink like a dumbass.  More about that later. grr

My last obsession was, and still is, Trader Joe's Crunchy Cookie Butter (if we're talking food here).  Oh my word.  It's straight up heaven in a glass jar with a plastic lid.  I dare you to try it.  Just have a spoonful.  Or even like, dunk some skinny pretzels in there.  Ugh.  A. Maze. Ing.

Friday Food - Huevos Rancheros

I am trying to make better food choices.

I love food.  I like pretty much all types of food, and for that I am lucky.  When I feel like I have to curb my eating habits, or reign in a particular food group, or even focus more on another food group, it's not usually too much of a hardship.

My brother-in-law John (come to think of it my other BIL, T-bone, too) usually wants to pull out his gun app when I talk about food, because I can be long winded.  And apparently, who wants to discuss acorn flour for more than five minutes?  Wait, what?  Well sorry if I find acorn flour interesting, John.

Anyway, I have been working on healthy choices - buying good, often organic, clean stuff, preparing good stuff, and obviously, eating good stuff.  So I was thinking maybe I would share some of those choices, with pics and recipes and things, occasionally.  You know, change things up a little.

Do you think that sounds OK?  Maybe I will just share a little food picture of my recent favorite healthy breakfast, to entice you.  Surprisingly simple, not a ton of calories or fat, and pretty much hitting every food group.  The only thing missing is fruit, and I often have that as a side.

Any interest in the recipe?