When does it become appropriate to smoke pot with your kid?

I'd like to think never.

I mean, whenever if I ever were to smoke pot, I'd be laughing at dumb things and swearing like a sailor and staring off into space thinking about weird existential things for extended periods of time. Like time and space. Not that that ever happened before.

But the question is, do I really want my kids to see me like that?

Well. Other than all of the times they regularly see me laughing at dumb stuff and staring off into space, I mean.

I ask this question because recently a kid I know came in and told me a story about how they went home with a buddy on a lunch break, and smoked a little pot in the garage. The kid was all freaked out when his buddy's father came in, because that is an appropriate response when a parent snags you mid-toke, wouldn't you think?

But no. The buddy's dad just joined right on in there and was like, "pass me the bowl, dude." And to make matters MORE strange, the step-mom and young sibling came rolling in just hanging out like it was a normal, every day thing.

Huh.

That was a bit of a shocker. It never occurred to me that regular people would do such a thing.

For the record, I am pro-marijuana.

Yes, yes I am. Sorry if that changes your opinion of me. It bugs me that it's not legal. I've read so much about people who have been helped with medicinal marijuana, and like, why can't I decide if I want to smoke pot or not? I also am fine with recreational marijuana. I just think there should be rules, much like the rules of alcohol consumption. Age requirements, being under the influence and driving, etc.

What do you guys think?

A brief and slightly snotty English lesson

I've (mostly) stopped being such a grammar policewoman. 

Mostly, with some good meds, I've learned to let a lot of annoying shit slide right off my back. For the most part, I maybe only inwardly cringe a little bit when I hear someone say something that makes them look and sound like a non-English speaking moron.

To be clear, I never vocally call someone out on their dumb grammatical or punctuational error. (I think I just made up the word punctuational. But I'm sticking with it because I like it) 

One time, someone looked at me like I was a moron when I pronounced "Quinoa" wrong. Well!! It was the first time I had ever heard of that shit! It was right at the height of the quinoa craze! How was I to know??

Jeez. What a little pretentious jerk.

I was like, "Excuse me, where do you keep the KEE-NO-A?"

And that smug asshole was all, "I've never heard of it."

So I was genuinely puzzled, because it was a health food place, so I was like, "Really? I think it's like rice or something?"

And he goes, with a jerky smirk, "Ohhh... you mean KEEN-WA."

"Well OBVIOUSLY, ASSHOLE. Just tell me where that shitty stuff is and never talk to me again!" OK, I didn't actually say that. I just conveyed it with my eye daggers and followed the asshole to the KEEN-WA.

I'd like to think my eye daggers penetrated.

Once, before I had really heard much of them, someone corrected the way I wrongly pronounced Bon Iver. Which made we want to punch their stupid smug face. (In case you didn't know, it's pronounced BON E VARE)

Why do people have to be all jerky like that?

So anyway, I really only feel my teeth clench in a few instances now, grammatically speaking.Because I actively try not to sweat the small stuff.

It truly, TRULY bothers the shit out of me when people say, "Joe and I," wrong. Let's be clear, it's not ALWAYS Joe, It can be Bob, or Tim, or you know, Raphael. My point is guys, you're saying it WRONG. And holy crap I might be silently judging you if you speak like this. And if you're my kid, I am VERBALLY judging you. 

For example: "Me and Joe went to the store today." Would you think this is correct, or not correct?

It is NOT correct, dummy. It is a very simple thing, and I will teach you right now. All you have to do is break down the sentence. Just go ahead and break that shit down.

"Me went to the store. And Joe went to the store." 

DOES THAT SOUND RIGHT?? 

No, no it does not. Because "Me" cannot go to the store. Because "me" is a dumbbell. The correct way to say it would be, "Joe and I went to the store."

Because, let's break it down here: "Joe went to the store. And I went to the store." And see that?? It makes sense! See?! I taught you something. I could be a god damned English teacher.

Another horrible, horrible offense, which is directly related, would be something like, "Are you coming to the store with Joe and I?" Would you think this is correct? I can see where you might be a little confused, but it is the same concept guys. Just go ahead and BREAK THE SENTENCE DOWN.

Are you coming to the store with Joe? Are you coming to the store with I? NO, no you are not. Because that makes no sense. Right? Right???

The question would be: "Are you coming to the store with me and Joe?" Because I want to know if you are coming with ME, and if you are coming with JOE.  Not I and JOE. ME and JOE.

Omg I have a little tension headache. I have to take a break from our little English lesson before I have an aneurysm. 

I always wanted to be an English teacher, but maybe it would have been the wrong profession. I'm sure it would be frowned upon if you called your students "dummy."

Sorry. not sorry. SORRY.

silently judgey vegans and vegetarians and Whole Foods

Usually I only go to Whole Foods for a specific thing. Because really, who does their regular grocery shopping there? Pale vegans who are silently judging me for forgetting to bring recyclable bags? Snooty vegetarians who are eyeballing me with disgust for having chicken wing sauce on my earlobe?

Definitely rich, pale vegans and snooty vegetarians who drive Range Roovers. Because lets face it, it really is so expensive there!

Unfortunately going in for one specific obscenely expensive healthy thing pretty much always ends up with more than one obscenely expensive and healthy thing, and me walking longingly through the salad bar/deli/bakery area. Because guys, there really is so much there that looks great.

Sometimes I will cave and get some ready-to-eat food, like pistachio shortbread cookies or something. That's ready to eat, right? Maybe they don't exactly fall into the healthy category, but you say tomato.

So anyway, despite the fact that I just slightly made fun of vegans and vegetarians, I've been shockingly and strongly considering going vegetarian.

I've been reading about how much healthier it is, and I've got to do something to get healthier. Plus, you know, it does make me feel shitty knowing how the animals that we eat are generally treated. I try not to think about it it too much, but really. I will say that I actually do make a pretty big effort to get free range meat and wild caught fish and stuff.

Megan went vegetarian for a year, then took a little break. She was having relentless cravings for some chicken wings, so she fell off the wagon. She recently started up again. It's kind of a pain, worrying about making different meals, or adjusting things, but I do admire her dedication, and also, she actually makes her own stuff a lot.

The problem is, Alex has been on a no carb kick for a few months. So like, wtf am I supposed to make for dinner that everyone can eat?? No meat, because Megan, but no pasta, because Alex. I'm pretty much effed. I've been like a short order cook and that is my nightmare.

I still think I'm going to try. I wonder if I'll turn into one of those judgey vegetarians if I eliminate meat. Will I give the side-eye if Alex brings home a big fat drippy steak or something? 

Eh, probably not. I'm not a judgey kind of person. I do my own thing, and really feel like more power to you for doing yours. 

Anyway, maybe I will start tomorrow because I have some fantastic looking chicken salad that I was planning on eating for lunch. That might not be the right attitude, but sorry. That chicken salad keeps looking at me every time I open the fridge. We all know I have terrible will power.

october and picking apples and hiking, empty nest style

How can your average person tell that it's October?

That's right, PUMPKIN SHAPED PEANUT BUTTER CUPS, GUYS!

Those little cuties are by far the best shaped peanut butter cups. Let's all just face it, they definitely have the best peanut butter to chocolate ratio. Mmmm

Also pumpkins! And mums! And an abundance of city people slumming it upstate to go apple picking for cute fall-ish Instagram posts to ooh and aah over.

That was rather cynical sounding of me wasn't it?  Sorry. No offense.

But really.

I live near so many great farms and orchards.  Right now I have overflowing bags of fresh apples in my kitchen. I can't get enough of them. I've actually got some crockpot applesauce cooking right now. Not sure if anything could smell any better than that.

Last weekend Alex and I went off apple picking like weird little empty nesters. Like, it was so strange not having any kids with us. Both of the girls were off doing their own things with their friends, and of course Alex is away at college, so we went for it. Just the two of us. We took a nice ride in the country to this awesome orchard that has corn mazes and tractor rides and hay slides and stuff. We definitely felt like the minority because most people there had little kids with them.

We also felt kind of free and nice, doing our own thing. My favorite thing about the orchard that we went to is the fresh, hot cider donuts. All cinnamon-y and warm... SO GOOD, not even kidding. Besides a huge bag of apples, we picked raspberries and strawberries and got some fresh pressed apple cider and mini pumpkins. Not much better than that! It was pretty fun.

After hitting the farm, we went to a really cool spot for a picnic lunch and a good hard hike. It was such a gorgeous day. The place has all of these awesome rock faces and cool trails, but on a really nice day, it can get a little crowded. As nice as it was with just us, I definitely missed having the kids there. I like my kids, they really are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. 

Maybe we'll take them there next weekend. I'll definitely need another bag of those donuts..

fall and a/c and childhood fantasies gone awry

Isn't fall the most pleasant season of the year?

Well, even if you disagree, I still think so. FYI: My kids often tell me that I really am always right.

Because pumpkins! apples! leaves! oh my.

See what I did right there?  Also, pumpkin spicy flavored things... yeah... so good. But I refuse to get on the pumpkin spice bandwagon because too many people are already on that thing. It's very crowded on that bandwagon. I'll be on my own little bandwagon over here, just like, sniffing your latte from afar.

Also, doesn't it just seem like the start of something new? It just smells good out there, in the fresh air.  Finally I can open a few windows and turn off the stupid, stupid limping-along-for-one-final-season crappy A/C. (can you tell I have some strong feelings about my stupid a/c?)

Speaking of A/C, I may or may not have recently said, "I could definitely live off the grid, as long as there was some way to have A/C and music." Because really, who likes to be sweaty? And also, I need to have my music. 

So I definitely think I could figure out a "live off the grid" scenario involving A/C as needed and daily music. Generator?  Maybe solar panels?  Haha, imagine using SOLAR panels for cold air... like, you are using heat to generate cold..  Weird.  I'm weird. Fine. We already know that. But really, am I the only person who has ever considered that?

On another note, I so want to call someone an EFFING ASSHOLE, but I am restraining myself and hoping to get over it.

Also, isn't it so stupid when you go into the self checkout lane at the grocery store, and no matter what happens or how many items you try to scan, something always goes wrong where the lady has to come over and punch in a code, or insert a key and fix it for you?  Like, I freaking swear to God I am not trying to sneak a gallon of milk in the baggage area without scanning it. Stop telling me that something is in the baggage area that doesn't belong, asshole computerized checkout lady voice! Just, let me live out my childhood fantasy of being a checkout girl and fucking get through this!  God!

Anyway, how's your Wednesday going?

Is it just me or did it suddenly become popular to be an introvert?

Man. Lately it feels like every grown up person you know or meet claims to be an introvert.

I don't know about you, but like, when did it become so popular to be one of those?

All of a sudden, there are internet quizzes galore, and opportunities to stake your claim in the introvert family. Maybe it's cool now?

I don't know exactly if I like being an introvert, because I legitimately am one. I just know that I've never been anything else.

I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like I needed to have considerable time alone to feel ok. I don't know what it feels like to not be overly consumed with my own thoughts and feelings, to not be shy, to hate to be the center of attention, or even on the edges of attention.

I think it's pretty cool that the term introvert, as related to people, was introduced by Carl Jung, who is definitely one of my favorite psychologists to read about. He described introverts as people whose motives and actions are primarily directed inward, people who tend to be preoccupied with their own thoughts and feelings and often minimize their contact with other people.

So yeah. A lot of that describes me.

Though I do hate that it kind of sounds like introverts are selfish. Because I don't think I'm selfish. Or like, maybe I am a little, but I also think I am kind and giving. Selfish is a shitty characteristic, I know a few narcissistic and egotistical people, and I don't think I am anything like them. I sure hope that I'm not.

Whoa. I just looked up the word "selfish," and these are some of the synonyms: narcissistic, egotistical, ungenerous, mean, stingy, self centered. OMG, I know someone exactly like that. I can't believe I ever thought I liked them. Maybe of those characteristics I would consider myself self-centered, but only in the sense that I am often in my own head, focusing so much on my own thoughts and feelings, not in the sense that I think I'm all that. Because I definitely don't think I'm all that.

It's funny that I married an extrovert. It's actually probably the best thing, because it forces me out of my own little shell sometimes. Alex is the exact opposite of me - he loves to be the center of attention, it's where he feels the most comfy. I don't think anyone would ever use the words "shy" or "quiet" to describe him. He's the guy who is always in the middle of the room, making new friends wherever he goes, and pretty much everyone likes him. And also, he hates to be alone.

In fact, the reason Alex and I met was because of how much he hates to be alone. His parents had moved away, and like, after class and work, the thought of going home to an empty house was like his worst nightmare. So he used to go to my sister's house a lot, she'd make him dinner and he'd stick around to watch TV for a while, he was good friends and soccer buddies with my brother-in-law. So of course, I was at my sisters a lot as well, and both being single, we often ended up kind of thrown together. I liked his confidence. He wasn't wimpy. 

I'd say it worked out pretty well. I guess opposites do attract.

have you ever hated someone?

WTF, all of a sudden this blog seems to be all intense and like, opposite of what it originally was. Originally, I think the goal was to just write lightheartedly about my boring, average, every day life.

Nobody wants to get all deep and personal, right?

So anyway, have you ever hated somebody?

I have.

In high school I hated this girl who, without fail, tried to get with every guy that I liked. And don't ask me why but whoever it was that I liked at the time would get with her (minus one dude who thank God never went there because I would have been devastated). I say don't ask me why because she had such an RBF (resting bitch face). Like, she was definitely pretty, I'll give her that. Super short (possibly even abnormally short, but maybe I am just being bitter) but pretty.  And also she had a square resting bitch face, but I suppose that's beside the point. Besides the RBF, she also actually was a nasty, unpleasant, bitchy little short girl.

Why do guys like people like that?  The challenge? Maybe the same reason why girls will gravitate towards the dick-ish guys.. probably that. I'd like to think they learn some kind of lesson, getting with a bitchy/dick-sh person. Hopefully the lesson is something like, Don't get with people like that because they're mean and they're jerks.

But you know, in high school I was a pretty low-key, fly under the radar kind of person. Like, I would never have purposely done anything to draw attention to myself. Drawing attention to myself was like, my worst nightmare. So whenever we clashed, me and the girl, it was always like, just to the point where I would throw mental 'I hate you with every ounce of my being' daggers at her. Because, God forbid, I would never have confronted her. Because I was definitely way too chicken to go there.

I know she felt the mental daggers. 

That little jerk.

I still feel a little hateful. Isn't that terrible of me? It has pretty much been THIRTY YEARS now. Whoa. That's a damn long time to hang on to something so dumb. It's definitely time to get over it. Fine, I'm so over it, it's not even funny.  When I actually just searched my brain for any semblance of real hate towards her, I only felt a twinge.

In other news, I'm going to try not to feel hateful towards someone I feel hateful about today. But the truth is, some people deserve it, don't they?

blah blah blah...

I used to write in a journal. Like good old fashioned pencil (or pen) on paper writing.

I kind of packed them up one day and never did it again. I'm not sure what made me quit. Maybe the fact that I felt like I wasn't being totally honest, that the "feelings" I was writing about were minimized or just not even addressed.

So what's the point even, if you're not being honest, or even if you are omitting certain significant things because maybe you just don't want to see it written out loud. As if not seeing it makes it not true.

I think that's kind of why I mostly quit blogging when I did. When I got the vibe that people I knew might actually be reading what I wrote, I pretty much panicked. It felt a little bit like someone I knew found my diary and read every last word.

It's funny, writing a public blog when you feel like in general, you're a pretty private person.  Like, the me that I typically put out there in the world is definitely a censored, less mentally unstable version of myself. Because let's face it, I'm slightly mental. Or, what's the opposite of slightly? Considerably?  Completely? Maybe somewhere in that realm of crazy.

I'm pretty much ok with that. I mean, I've lived with myself for my whole life, so, you know, I get me. But I don't think anyone else really gets me, and that's my own fault. Like, when you censor yourself to appear "normal" or to fit in, you're really presenting a different version of you. And if someone likes the you that you are most often presenting, they don't even know who they like.

Well that just got confusing right there.

I have no idea what the point of this post is. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that there really is no point, I'm just rambling away for no apparent reason.

I'll leave it at that.

Lesson learned the hard way; on friend break-ups

I really think that friend break-ups can be just as traumatic as couple break-ups can be.

One time I had a friend break-up, and it literally broke my heart. Shattered. Tiny little pieces. Like, stupid crying every single day out of nowhere. I do understand what 'literally' means, I honestly felt like my heart was broken. It hurt. You know that thickness in your chest, where it feels like you can't fully breathe? All of the time. It was so much worse than any "real boyfriend" breakup that I ever had. It was brutal and I was devastated.

When you pretty much spend time almost every day with someone for years, getting to know them, connecting deeply and profoundly caring about them, it's pretty much one of the hardest things you could imagine experiencing when it's callously ripped away from you. Especially if you're anything like me, and struggle to let people get close to you in the first place. Especially if you know they are pushing you away and replacing you with someone newer and shinier, someone that they suddenly think they like better. After everything, they are replacing you. 

Without trying to sound dramatic, when I was in the thick of it, I really didn't think I would ever be okay again. It didn't help that my friend kept kind of meanly reeling me back in at whim, then throwing me away. Over and over, and over again. Confusing me with mixed messages. Jerking me around like a rag doll. Using me when it was convenient, or when they were bored. It's the definition of cruel.

And idiot that I was, I let it happen because I couldn't let it go, I just couldn't do it. Somehow my identity was so wrapped up and entwined in this other world, I don't know if I knew who I was without the friendship. And more than anything, I didn't want it to end. I really didn't. I think I was willing to put up with everything, anything, because at least they were in my life in some capacity.

Even though it doesn't sting quite so badly anymore, and thinking about everything doesn't make it so hard to breathe anymore, I still feel like it affects me and the way I manage friendships and my life. I suppose it probably always will. I don't think I will ever recover fully from that. Like, why would I get so close to someone again? I learned that it's not worth it. It'll never be worth it.

After a long, long while, I was surprised when I felt a real smile happen again. I was surprised when I felt the sun warm the back of my legs and it felt good, not wrong. It shocked me when one day I realized that I swallowed something and didn't feel a lump in my throat, one day I listened to music and didn't feel the familiar tears filling my eyes. One day I just forgot to think about everything, forgot to think about that horrible feeling of betrayal and jealousy and my friend who threw me away. I guess it just took time.

I hope one day I can find the guts to truly not care anymore. I vacillate between feeling hateful, and feeling something a little less than hateful, and deep, deep in the back of everything, feeling a tiny sliver of hope. Maybe it'll never get much better than that. And I suppose that's ok, because I think I'm ok now. I think. 

People can be fragile, and they can break. If you want to be a good person, don't use people who love you. Don't make them think that their sole purpose is to be there for you to stomp on whenever you're in the mood for stomping. Because if you think you can make it through this life unscathed, you're probably mistaken. I imagine when the person who smugly decided I didn't matter enough gets a taste of what they have given (and they will... karma and all) they might finally get it.

Or maybe they won't. Sometimes people like that will never get it, and they'll go through their life cowardly and aloof and thoughtless and always searching for something better, newer and shinier. 

I have a funny feeling people like that won't ever find what they are looking for. And you know what? Maybe they don't even deserve it.

Arianna Huffington and a mini meltdown

I really better get some interesting content on here or I might lose all one reader that I have. (Hi mom!)

I have been so sporadic with posting. Let's be frank.  I know this.  You know this.  We all know this.

(Before I continue I have to say that I love saying, 'Lets be Frank.' It's such a funny sounding thing to me for no good reason. I just thought you should know that.) I guess I don't think it's too unusual to go through a kind of writing slump.  Sometimes you might feel like you just don't have anything interesting to talk about.  Sometimes you might just feel like nobody is interested anyway.  Sometimes, you need to re-evaluate your purpose.

That sounds very life-altering. 

Speaking of writing, such a super cool thing happened, that didn't actually end up happening.  OK, that sounds weird, let me explain.

So I submitted something to Huffington Post on a whim, and ARIANNA HUFFINGTON emailed me and said that she wanted to print it!!  Can you believe that??  Maybe I am being a little googly-eyed, but I thought it was so awesome.

But then I pretty much freaked out. I asked her if I could post anonymously, because what I wrote is kind of sensitive and I guess I'm not really prepared to attach my name to it at this point. But I know it was relevant, and should probably be heard.

She responded and said that Huffington Post doesn't post anonymously. So that stinks because I really couldn't go ahead and post it because I am mental, among other things.

But anyway, now you know that you can't post anonymously on Huffington Post, in case you were wondering.

But guys! She liked what I wrote!

So at least that was good, and kind of validating.  So maybe I will submit some other non-panic-inducing writing at some point, because HuffPo! I did get invited to their contributor platform, so I'm a little bit proud of that too.

So even though this is a lowly little blog, and pretty much nobody even notices that it exists, I might be able to write sort of OK, and maybe I don't suck. Maybe.