second guessing, over indulging and the domino effect

I was just thinking about the time that I went to the moving up ceremony at the elementary school when my youngest was going from kindergarten to first grade. Several of the parents brought flowers, balloons and/or gifts for their kid. I was like, these guys are 5 years old for fucks sake! Nothing like setting them up for a lifetime of thinking they get a huge prize for every footstep they take! I don't know, maybe that sounds cynical and mean, but when did a kiss and hug and, "Wow great job!" become too little?? Don't these over-indulgent people realize the domino effect that they'll have on the other, normal-ish parents?? You're all thinking, greaaaaat, now at the next event, everyone will be bringing their kids fancy prizes to avoid looking like that one single DoucheParent, and to keep up with all of the other SuperParents... where does it all end?!

Truth be told, I felt shitty and caved. My kid came off the stage and ran to me all excitedly looking for her balloon and WRAPPED PRESENT, and she promptly asked, "Where's my present?" My husband and I looked at each other like, shit... I felt so guilty, I told her that her present was going for an ice-cream cone and to the local dollar store to pick out a shitty prize. I wish I had it in me to just be like, "Your prize is being a Kindergarten graduate! And isn't it awesome that you got a certificate for Outstanding Student?  WooHOO! Now lets go to the playground and I'll push you on the swing til I'm so bored I can't think straight." 

I hate when I cave to things like that!!  It never even occurred to me that anyone would bring their kid a bouquet of flowers. Because, why?? Why would you? If I had known that was normal protocol, I would have been better prepared mentally. For future reference, I'd appreciate a heads up when we are all supposed to be over-indulging our kids. Not that it would change my stance or anything, but at least I'd have some pre-thoughtout response when my kid looks around at the 5 year old in the ballgown getting a dozen roses for doing something that every other kid in the universe does.  Like, come on!  I am barely even exaggerating when I say a kid was in a ball gown getting a dozen roses. I was like, huh? 

On another note, is it just me or is it stupid that there is a moving up ceremony for every freaking step of the way in school? First there's a "Moving Up from 3 year old Pre-K to 4 year old Pre-K." Then there's "Moving Up from 4 year old Pre-K to Kindergarten, " then "Moving up from Kindergarten to First Grade." At least you get a break between Elementary and Middle School. Because yes, yes there is a "Moving up from Fifth Grade to Middle School" ceremony. When I was a kid, at the end of 6th grade when all of us dumb bells were leaving Elementary School and heading to Junior High, my mom handed me a brown bag with a soggy tuna sandwich in it and said, "Have a great day!" And then I walked almost a mile to school (God forbid!) with my little sisters tagging along behind me like I was the Pied Piper, asking me to tell them a story for the walk. The only real ceremony we had was when we actually graduated (from High School) and were heading to college!

We of course had like, a last day of school doing cool stuff, playing games and eating popsicles and bouncing around with excitement at the upcoming summer vacation, and that was good enough! It was fun! I almost think having a million different ceremonies sort of dulls the excitement of the real achievement - graduating from High School. The kids are all like, "Oh. Another party. Bleh."

I guess my biggest issue is that I hate second guessing my parenting skills because I know that I am a good, smart, logical and kind parent with a shit ton of experience and patience. I really, honestly did raise some decent humans, which means I've done something right, right? 

What are your thoughts on presents, awards and prizes for every damn achievement under the sun?

Just think about it. Then, slowly step away from your devices.

I was recently out to dinner in a kind of casual spot, and I was seated across from a young couple with a baby, probably somewhere between 1 and 2 years old. I try not to judge, but man, I couldn't tear my eyes away from this family.  Both parents were on their cell phones, no joke, the entire time they were seated. They weren't talking on their phones, but scrolling through social media.  They propped an iPad in front of the baby with a cartoon on, and he just kind of sat there, watching the cartoon.

I try not to judge but it was pretty much directly in front of my face, so I couldn't not see it, and I do have an opinion on it.  I figure, why not share it and see what you all think.

So this might be the time we live in, but I felt pretty sad for that family. Nobody talked, nobody interacted... every now and then someone would reach over and readjust the ipad for the baby. I feel like I sound like an old person, but I just don't understand this. I tried to see the justification of popping the baby in front of a video, maybe they wanted to enjoy a meal out together and didn't have a babysitter.  Maybe the baby freaks out and the TV calms him... maybe they were wiped out and just wanted peace and quiet and food.

I think that this lack of actual human interaction is going to create a problem in the future. Looking at this situation in particular, what was so glaring to me was that there was so little real life actually happening. There was no talking about what to order for dinner, no chatting about how their day was, no knowing glances between two partners, no commiserating over a cranky baby at the table. These missing things are all things that make us human. 

Kids learn by example, and even though he was a little guy, he was still learning and assessing and processing the environment around him. From what I saw in that tiny chunk of time, the opportunity for several small lessons were lost. When a kid goes out to dinner with his parents, he learns how to behave in public, he learns how to properly use utensils, he learns how to interact in a different environment, he learns how to use an inside voice, how to entertain himself, manners, how to wait patiently. He also learns by example how his parents treat each other, how they treat the waiter, how they communicate.  

Clearly there are plenty of other opportunities for these little lessons to be learned, but it makes you wonder what lessons were lost. Some things that he probably did subconsciously learn from that outing were that perhaps his parents are often distracted, that he can't behave without having a TV to watch, that it's normal to not communicate verbally.  Little kids learn about their world largely through face-to-face interactions, vocalizations and touching with parents. They also develop language skills this way. What are the developmental implications if kids do not get this?  Of course this was an isolated incident, who knows what life is like at home for that little family. I'd like to think there is a lot more interaction...

Children who constantly see their parents distracted by technology at the dinner table must feel neglected, insecure or not worthy of their parents time. They’re absolutely going to miss a lot of the benefits of eating meals together as a family. I really believe that kids have to have emotional, physical, and verbal presence of a loving caretaker.

At the very least, if parents "unplug" during meals, it will set a positive example for children, since it will just be a matter of time before these kids have their own devices to be distracted by.

six year old's have no business knowing about wee

So you know, I'm a lover of all kinds of music.  I honestly don't believe in censoring music for the benefit of the kids - I've always kind of considered it a form of art.  Like, almost the same thing if my kid saw a nude painting or you know, that famous statue of the naked guy with the small penis.  What is it, Michelangelo or something?  I can't remember.  ANYWAY I've always been very anti-censoring.  Music, art, books, whatever.  I pretty much feel like if it is relevant, or it isn't like blatantly obnoxious, I am fine with it.  And if there is something that I do find offensive, I just don't put it out there to my kids. I'll just change the channel, turn the station on the radio, fast forward the tune.  We parents have plenty of control over that crap.

On a similar note, I do not swear in front of my kids at all.  We all know how much I love swearing, but I know my audience. And my audience is a very small one without children in it.  Unless if you include the internet, because sometimes I forget about that audience. 

Obviously, rap and hip hop always have a ton of swear words in their songs.  I enjoy a some music from that genre, however I don't usually play it in the car with the kids because it really is very glaringly inappropriate.  Every other word is a bad word, and you can't like, sing along at all without singing some version of Effing effity eff car, g.d. effing gun, em effing drugs, you get the point.  Pretty much every other word is the F word.  And I don't mean "fart."  

Well, so even though I don't believe in censoring, I think I am pretty careful about avoiding the inappropriate tunes.  I'm trying to keep my kids from sounding like a bunch of scuzzy dirtbags for as long as I can.  It's usually about middle school around here before the kids try test out the swearing thing.  

So anyway, I was driving Brooke to school today and it reminded me of a funny thing that happened a few years ago when Brooke and I were driving to elementary school.  A song by Drake and Nicki Minaj came on - Moment 4 Life.  It's pretty inappropriate, for sure.  Normally I would have switched it, but I wasn't paying much attention because Brooke and I were talking about the field trip she was going on that day - she was so excited, she didn't shut her yapper the entire ride.  The song seriously went right over my head, just kind of like light music was playing in the background.

So all of a sudden, Brooke stops mid-sentence and says "There are bad words in this song Mom."  And I was like, "You know, there are some bad words in this song Brooke."  And she goes, "Want me to tell you one of the bad words Mom?  Fuckin'."  And I cringed.  And I was like, shit, how does she know the real F word is a bad word at 6 years old??  Thank you very much Nicki Minaj.  So I don't act all shocked or freaked out because I kind of feel like if you make too much of a big deal about the bad words, those words suddenly become really attractive to a kid, just because they aren't supposed to say them.  So I said, "Yeah, that's a really bad word - you're not allowed to say that."  And she goes, "Yeah, like I couldn't just go into school and say, 'I'm going on a fuckin' field trip today' to my teacher, right Mom?"

And inwardly I was like, omg.  Also, I felt a snitch proud that she completely used the eff word in context.  High five!  No, just kidding.  Kinda.  So I said, "No, no you can't say that word at school, or anywhere.  You'll get in big trouble if you do because it's really inappropriate."  And she goes, "Well what will happen?"  And I said, "Bare hiney spanking."  So she mulls it over for a second and goes, "I know Mom.  I won't say it."  At this point we've reached the crazy stupid drop off line at the elementary school, so I'm just about to kiss her goodbye and she stops and says, "Is 'wee' a bad word?"  And I was like "Wee?"  And she goes, "Yeah, like in the song it says 'smoke some wee.'"  As in weed.  As in pot.  As in currently illegal drug.  

Ugh.  I definitely went straight home and switched around the playlists on my iPod.  Hearing a sweet little innocent voice saying fuck and KIND OF saying weed, and grasping that they are bad things to say made me rethink the censoring of the music in front of little ears thing.  

Because six year old kids have no business knowing about wee.

What do you think about censoring? I sometimes wish I could go back to that time. With one kid in college, one in high school and one in middle school, it seems like they all know about wee, AND all of the bad words.