10 Things to NOT ask your husband

Ten Things you should never ask your husband/boyfriend, 

besides the obvious  (1) Do I look fat in this?  Because, really -- you know the poor guy can't win here.  If he says yes, you'll go cry in the closet and be mad at him for saying that you look like a fatso.  But if he says no but he really means yes, you'll eventually catch a glimpse of your fat ass in the "realistic" mirror wherever you are, go cry in the coat check room and be mad at him for not telling you that you that you look like a fatso.

(2) What time will you be home? 9 times out of 10 (if it's my husband), he won't be home when he says he will be, and dinner will be all cold and you'll be all pissed. And if he says he is on the way, figure an extra 10-15 minutes or so he can frantically run to the car (that, lets be real, he already isn't in) and get the hell out of his office.

(3) Do you think she's prettier than I am?  Because really, don't ask unless you're prepared for the truth. And also, why? Why compare yourself to someone else?  And also, who cares, anyway?

(4) What would you change about me?  Think about it, do you really want to know all of the things that he wishes were different about you?  Way to make yourself insecure and uncomfortable. Besides, any guy who answers this with a long list is just a mean jerk anyway.

(5) How many women have you slept with?  Again, why? Just, so not worth going there.  And to be honest with you, it's really nunya business. The answer has nothing to do with you, yet you'd be unfairly seething over the fact that he had an actual past before he even knew you existed. Everyone has a past, including you, right?

(6) If I died, how long would you wait before you replaced me?  We all know that he's not going to say, "I would never replace you honey!" and actually mean it. Except my husband. He'd mean it. Even though he hates being lonely I am fairly confident he wouldn't want to replace me for a long time. He really likes me.

(7) Is that it?  Because that's just mean. Unless of course your goal was to make him feel like crap. But really, don't do this.

(8) Will you babysit the kids?  Huh. I wasn't aware of the fact that you "babysit" your own children. And if you're asking like, a boyfriend/guy who isn't a parent to your kids, I'd be really freaking careful. It's always the "boyfriend" who does something really horrible.

(9)  Are you sure you know where you're going?  Let's be real, even if he has no freaking clue where in the hell he is, we all know he would never admit it.  And thankfully most of us have some type of navigation/GPS app to help us out if we are ever in such a pickle. Heh. In a pickle is a funny thing.

(10)  Does this match?  Because, come on.  He is a guy.

6 kinds of people that should have their flying privileges revoked

I enjoy flying for some odd reason.  I know a lot of people who abhor it.  Too be honest with you, if I think too hard I abhor it too, because OMG I'm trapped!  In the sky!  But then I talk myself off the ledge, play a little Candy Crush, and get in the zone.  I think I like flying because I know that strapping myself in a can filled with random people, mutually in the sky, brings me to some place that I really want to be.  

When I fly, I go prepared to entertain myself.  Because who wouldn't?  One time, I was seated next to a guy with no carry-on. Seriously, he had no book, nothing to listen to... just like, nothing!  Who does that?? And inwardly I was all thinking, wtf is he going to do for the next 4 hours??  Attempt to talk with me in close quarters?? It made me very anxious. We managed somehow, random guy and I. I used the Universal Signal of Don't Talk to Me (headphones, obviously), and he looked out the window for several hours.  It all worked out.

There are always a handful of people that you come across on airplanes that really just shouldn't be allowed to be there.  The most important thing to be when you are flying with 250 other people, is to be courteous, don't you think?  It's the people that are completely inconsiderate of others that should have their flying privileges revoked.  I've compiled a list of people that I believe fall into this category.  Feel free to put your two cents in.

1. Parents who don't corral their kids:  I get it.  We've all been there.  It's hard to fly with kids. The fact that you are confined to a space that is the equivalent of a short, skinny telephone booth, with a short, sometimes screamy, slobbery, whiney person makes this hard. Most kids just don't like to be forced to stay in a tiny space for hours on end, and the average person actually does understand. I honestly don't care if your kid is crying or flipping out - for whatever reason that has never bothered me.  It's the parent who blatantly ignores the flipping out child that shouldn't be able to fly.  Because guess what? It's your job as the parent to be prepared to be in the short telephone booth with the short person for a while.  Bring some shit to entertain your short person.  And if Shorty is kicking or yanking on the seat in front of him, or throwing crushed up saltines at the people seated behind him, manage it.  You and your kid aren't the only people on the plane. 

2. People who don't seem to give a shit about your personal space: Again, we are all confined to a small space.  When your elbows encroach upon my area, or when you manspread your legs into my invisible rectangle, that is very uncool and I am silently cursing you and your mom.  When you lean your seat way, way back, the people behind you actually lose some of the very tiny space that they are allotted. I am opposed to the leaning of the seats, actually.  It really isn't fair. Just remember that everyone is as uncomfortable as you are - the more respectful you can be of other's space, the better.   

3. People who are yappers and don't grasp the Universal Signal of Please Don't Talk to Me: Some people just don't like small talk.  That doesn't make them a jerk. That doesn't mean they don't like you. It just means that they are either uncomfortable with mindless chatter, or they're tired, or they just aren't the best at talking with randoms. Typically, in order to avoid coming off as a jerk, those people pop their headphones on once the plane is in motion.  The usage of headphones is the Universal Signal of Please Don't Talk to Me.  Everyone should know this and respect it.

4. Gas passers, burpers, or otherwise smelly people: This should go without saying, but invariably, there is always some fool who obliviously unwraps a tuna sandwich or some smelly cheese on a long flight. Or they take off their shoes to uncover some ungodly, nasty, sweaty travel feet.  And if you can't hold in your bodily smells for the duration of a flight, get your shitty ass to the bathroom. Some people have weak constitutions and can't handle your stench in such close quarters. And they shouldn't have to!  Refrain from the refried beans prior to boarding, for the good of the people.

5. Those who partake in PDA:  PDA = Public Display of Affection:  I'm not referring to holding your partner's hand, or a little snuggle.  I'm referring to forcing everyone around you to be subjected to you and your significant other publicly making out and pawing at each other. It's just uncomfortable for everyone.  Save it for the privacy of your own space, please.

6. Generally loud people: If you're a loud talker on an airplane, you're probably a loud talker in real life. I get that some people have naturally loud voices (one of my kids does, actually), but you really need to be aware of your volume.  Not everyone on the plane wants to hear about your life story for 3 hours.  To avoid people wanting to duct tape your face, just shhhhh... take it down a notch, or three. It's all about respect.

to-not-do list

I have so much crap to get to today, I feel overwhelmed.

So instead, I think I will sit on the computer and alternate between Blogger, Facebook and Pinterest pretty much all day.  You know, basically ignore my responsibilities because well, it's easier that way. And funner.

Oh whatever, I know funner isn't a word.  I just like the way it rolls off the tongue.  So there.

So instead of checking a bunch of stuff off of my arms length to-do list, I am going to make a to-not-do list, and check things off of that.  Because I can.

I'm the boss of me.

To-Not-Do Today

1.  Call twenty seven doctor's offices to make twenty seven doctor's appointments. (slight exaggeration)

2.  Eat breakfast.  I want coffee instead.  It's an either/or kinda thing.

3.  Vacuum the downstairs.  Did I not just vacuum yesterday?

4.  Call EZ Pass to fix my account.

5.  Call cable to get a mistaken charge removed.

6.  Call the vet for a puppy appointment.

Seeing a pattern here?  I abhor making phone calls.

7.  Hose the back porch.  Puppy training... at least she didn't go the bathroom in the house.

8.  Go to the gym.  I'm sick of that dumb place.

9.  Clean up the guest room.  Dang but it's turned into a second playroom up there.  I didn't make a Polly Pocket house from one end of the room to the other, so I am pretty sure I'm not picking that shit up.

10.  Write a decent blog post.  Self explanatory.

i love lists. i love lamp.

*repost
Somewhere out there is a really really funny blog post that this lady wrote about 23 things she has learned so far in her lifetime.  I have searched and googled and binged and for the life of me, I can't seem to find it.  It was hilarious.  And it gave me the idea for this post.  I wish I could find it to share with you.


Twenty Three Things that I have Learned:


One:  Those new hand dryer things are very blowy.  Seriously, some of the new ones are like industrial strength and they absolutely have the power to flip your dress up Marilyn Monroe style.  However, it is very amusing to watch that crazy strong air moving the skin on your hands around.


Two:  Just let your kid wear the fringed pleather cowboy boots with the tacky Christmas dress to school if she really wants to.  Or also in my case, the full on sparkly ballet costume including matching headdress thing.  Because in the scheme of life, who really cares?  If it makes your kid feel happy and awesome, that definitely matters more than your mild embarrassment over the double takes and weird looks.  Trust me, other parents totally get it.  I promise you they do not think you picked that hideous outfit out.  


Three: Appreciate your skin when it is flawless and young.  Because there will come a time when your kids ask you if you're mad every day because your wrinkled forehead totally looks like a scowl.  There is virtually no way to keep it as great as it was in your twenties.  So love it, and take care of it while you can.  


Four: In keeping with that theme, also appreciate and take care of your bod when its young and tight and cute.  You can't fight gravity and age, but you can slow the hands of time a little.  Take my word for it, it fucking sucks to hear, "Mommy, why do you have those dents in your leg?"  Slather up with sunscreen and good lotion now and it will pay off later.


Five:  You know that little "ass practically on the ground" squat that two-year-olds can get into, and stay into for the duration of an entire episode of Dora the Explorer?  Yeah, don't attempt that.  Or if you do, definitely have somebody stronger than a two-year-old nearby to help you get up off the floor.  Because I think the ability to hold that squat goes away somewhere around the same time as the your amazing skin and tight bod.  Also, I'm pretty sure that the same goes for attempting cartwheels and herkies when you're old enough to have a teenager. 


Six: When you've been standing on line to get into Test Track at Epcot for an hour and fifteen minutes with cranky annoying kids and sweat on your brow, and you notice that the guy in front of you all of a sudden is chatting heavily with a girl that just "happened" to walk by, please recognize that you just got scammed with the traditional "chat and cut" move that sly people try to use to jump the line.  How you choose to deal with that offense is entirely up to you.


Seven: A snore now will be a snore later.  It doesn't matter if they are freaking adorable and a great kisser.  If you have nothing in common (besides the great kissing), nothing to talk about and the person is just plain boring, you will never be able to change that.


Eight:  You don't have to be fall off the bar stool drunk, but let's faced it, talking to certain people is just way more tolerable with alcohol in your system.  I'd say a mellow three drinks or so should do the trick if you need a buffer.


Nine: And on that note, never drink a double bottle of cheap wine by yourself.  Unless you were planning on throwing up in, on or near your bed, and having the worst fucking hangover of your life the next day.


Ten:  There are two kinds of people in the world:  party makers, and party fillers.  If you're fun to be around, chat and generally have a good time, you're probably a maker.  If you stand there looking at your drink and the clock and talking on your cell phone the entire party, you're probably a filler.  You should really figure that out.


Eleven: Everybody needs somebody.  Be a somebody.  It feels really good.


Twelve: Small hands and feet don't necessarily mean anything other than you have small hands and feet.  Give the guy with the little fingers a chance, he may just surprise you.


Thirteen:  You can pretend you don't hear that awful thumpy bumping a car makes when the tire is flat because you don't want to deal with the fact that your tire is flat, but pretending something doesn't exist won't make it not exist.  You have to deal with shitty things sometimes, just get it over with now, because it only gets worse the longer you wait.


Fourteen:  Perfection doesn't actually exist.  So quit knocking yourself out trying to find it or be it.


Fifteen:  If you quit something to avoid failure, you've pretty much actually failed.  


Sixteen:  Ridiculously good looking guys are dicks.  I don't mean to generalize on an entire population, but I would venture a guess that it is true approximately 97% of the time.  It has to be a proven scientific fact somewhere.  Because there's just no denying that when you're extremely attractive, you get away with much more.  And it's a rare person that can be hot and humble and nice and sweet all at the same time.


Seventeen: Recognize that you can't make everyone happy.  Sometimes, you just need to worry about what makes you happy.  And that's OK.  Really.


Eighteen:  Good looks will only get you so far, and that stuff eventually fades.  Smart and kind and genuine usually lasts forever.  Seek those kind of people and surround yourself with them.  Better yet, be one of those kind of people.


Nineteen:  Realize that nobody is looking at you and nobody cares.  And if they are looking and they do care, it's none of your business what they are thinking anyway.  If you don't do things because you are worried about what people might think or say, or you're afraid you'll look stupid or mess up in front of someone, you're tossing away potential valuable experiences. When someone dies, you don't usually hear people say, "Remember that time when she was so pretty..."  You hear, "Remember that time when she totally went for it and ended up hitting a home run?"


Twenty:  Don't leave things on the table.  Too many times people walk away from a situation and say, "I should have..." and feel regret.  Regrets suck.


Twenty One:  Trust people. Life is hard if you have a green pit of worried jealousy in your stomach all of the time.  If someone is going to deceive you, its going to happen whether you're up their ass or not.


Twenty Two: If you are in the line that is going at a snail's pace and you are watching everyone moving swiftly through another line, as soon as you make the decision to bail and switch lanes - it's almost a give in that your original line is going to speed up and you're going to feel pissed that you didn't just wait it out.  Sometimes you have to wait it out.


Twenty Three: A crappy bra isn't your friend.  Do yourself a favor get fitted.  Suck it up and let the girl at Victoria's Secret feel you up for a second, and take a true measurement of your boobs.  Everything looks better when your bra fits right.

a list, part 1

So you know I am all about lists, right?  Well, I can't get too deep into December without sharing my personal list of cool and different gifts that will cover pretty much everyone you might need to buy a Christmas present for.  (woo.  run on sentence much?) Mid November is when I start getting the catalogs.  The many, many catalogs.  And when I have some quiet time, I browse.  And I make lists notes of things that I would like to get for people.  And I rip out pages and have clippings all over the place.  My husband loves that, the clippings.  Yup.

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE
-the grownups list-

For a Mom:

$78

This is such a cool, personalized gift.  I bought one for myself last year on etsy and I love it.  Each ornament is unique to your family of course.  You can find it HERE.

$61

I got this Mother's bracelet from HERE  a few years ago. I get compliments on it every time I wear it. These are made so well, and you really can't beat the price.  They are totally customized with a lot of different style options.  You get to choose  the colors, the beads and style.

For a Dad:

$89

 I found this Kodak Digital Frame, and thought it was a perfect Dad gift idea.  It's just right for the office.  It holds around 300 pictures, and it's really easy to use.  I found this one HERE, but these kind of frames are available all over the place.

$299

These Bose noise canceling headphones are pretty expensive, but they are so worth it.  Check them out HERE. They can be used with pretty much every media device - laptops, iPods, iPads, iPhones.  They are super comfy and totally block out noisy little monkey people. 

For a traveler:

$24

This map is pretty cool.  You scratch off the places that you have been to, uncovering colorful countries and facts.  It's fun and a great conversation starter.  You can find this HERE. 

$98

I found this canvas weekender bag in the Sundance catalog and fell in love with it.  It's the perfect size for a spontaneous getaway.  It has lots of pockets, comfy handles and can be used by a guy or a girl.  It can be found HERE. 

For a wife/girlfriend:

$100

I think most wives would appreciate a piece of jewelry from Tiffany & Co.  This silver heart necklace is simple and pretty and totally affordable.  I wear mine every day.  You can find it HERE.

$79

I saw this wall art in Red Envelope, and thought it was kind of fun for a personalized gift.  You get to choose your own colors, so it really fits anywhere.  Also, it shows your wife that the day you got married really matters to you.  Buy it HERE.

For a husband/boyfriend:

$89

Guys are all about comfort, and this hotel-style waffle robe is sooo comfy.   There's something about watching your guy walking around in a robe, wet hair and smelling clean from a shower... I found it HERE at Pottery Barn, and it's on sale!

$98

Honestly, I don't know too many guys who wear jewelry.  When I saw this leather bracelet cuff thing on etsy, I thought it looked like something a guy's guy wouldn't mind wearing.  It's handmade with cool hammered silver and leather and totally customizable.  I actually like the one shown in the picture, stamped with the latitude and longitude of a special place.  You can also have a phrase or verse stamped, or just a name - just about anything.  Find it HERE.

For a gadget lover:

$179

Alright, now this is pretty cool.  The Slingbox is a gadget that connects to your TV at home and allows you to watch your actual TV from anywhere via the Internet, a tablet or a smart phone.  You'll never miss a show.  The games, movies or programs that you have accumulated on your DVR?  You can watch while you're sitting in traffic, or on the subway or while you're waiting online somewhere.  My brother-in-law has one and absolutely loves it.  You can get it HERE.  

$99

OK, while we're talking about TV, you have to check out the new Apple TV.  It's a little gadget that streams HD movies and TV shows, plays Netflix, YouTube and Vimeo videos.  You can watch MLB and NBA games live or on demand, and also listen to your music and look at your photos from iCloud.  At $99, it is a steal.  You can check it out HERE.

For a gardener:

$20

This is an inexpensive gift that will make any gardener happy.  I sought out this particular little journal after seeing an ad for it in a magazine. It has 5 themed sections to fill in - 5 tabbed sections to personalize - plants and pots information, hardiness zones, garden log, design grids, plant care records and more.  You can find it HERE.

$69

My Dad would love this.  It's a stool and kneeler that makes it comfy to weed, plant or clip and has pockets for some gardening tools.  You can also get it personalized, which is kind of nice.  Check it out HERE.

For a lover of alcohol:

$20

These are whiskey stones.  I thought they were cool looking, I have no idea if they actually work though.  Since I don't drink whiskey.  Apparently, you just freeze the stones (they're soapstone), then put them in your drink.  Obviously they don't melt, so they keep it cold and don't dilute your drink.  Cool, right?  You can get them right HERE. 

$50

I've seen these around and always thought they looked like fun.  The kit comes with everything you need to make your own beer - about two six packs worth.  I found it online HERE, but I've also seen the kits in gourmet shops right at the mall.

For the pet lover:

$185

So this is different.  Wall art of your pet's blueprint.  You can actually get cats and dogs, and even mixed breeds.  It's pretty pricey, but definitely unique. It's online here.

$45

My kids would love this, since we have no pets.  And since fish don't usually poop on your kitchen floor, I'd almost agree to get one if it could live in this cool fish tank thing.  Anyway, it's a modern fish hotel, and you can add modules to it to make it as big or small as you want.  It comes in a few different colors. I found it online here.

Alright then!  There you have it.  Part one of the list.  This list obviously is for the adults in your life, and I tried to keep it under $100.  Which wasn't all that easy because for some reason, I am drawn like a magnet to really expensive things.  Anyway, part two of the list will focus on the non-adults in your life, the little monkey non-adults.  Those I will do my best to keep at a more manageable 50 bucks or less.  I'll try to post that by the end of the week.