balance

When I started this blog last year, I was thinking that it would be like a journal -- except unless I make it private, it really can't BE a journal.  There are too many things that I would love to write out that just aren't for sharing...  and what's the point of a private blog anyway? Might as well just keep a journal in word, if you plan on writing solely for yourself.

So I'm finding it hard to find that balance -- open honesty, feelings, thoughts... what ifs.  What if I told a story about someone, my perception of events and theirs could differ dramatically.  Does it make my story less true?  What if I put something out there and others find it, find me, wrong or bad somehow.

I remember a time in high school, specifically, a new year - entering a new grade, feeling that the possibilities are endless for starting fresh and wiping slates clean - reinventing.  I remember walking down that depressing and dark back hall, surrounded by cold, mint green painted concrete, bouncing between noisy hapless teen-agers and thinking, "I don't care what people think of me."  I always felt sort of alone and misunderstood among the throngs of people I surrounded myself with.  I felt dumb.  I wanted to be a girl full of confidence, full of intellect, talented, coordinated, artistic.   

But that day, I decided.  I decided that I wasn't going to care what people thought of me.  Or, I at least wasn't going to let people's interpretation of me affect what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be.  If I could approach life and be respectful and considerate of others, then it was OK to be me, the way I was.

I definitely stumbled along the way.  There is much that I've been ashamed of, many that are deserving of my apologies.  I definitely succumbed to nagging thoughts of being worthless, bad, of doing things wrong and hurting others. 

This is my path though.  I'm not exactly sure where I am going, but I know I will get there eventually.